Is There a ‘One and Only’? Sure, Lots of Them!

Published April 26, 1979. Back in 1956, longer than most of us can or care to remember, Rich Cartey and Carolyn Joyner introduced what became a popular song titled “Young Love.”

The first line of the song states, “They say for every boy and girl there’s just one love in the whole world, and I know I’ve found mine.”

The lyric suggests that there is just one person for each of us to love and/or marry. There are in addition, numerous married couples who recall with real fervency the first time they met and “knew the moment they saw each other they had found the one-and-only.”

It has been amazing to me to see the extent to which the one-and-only phenomenon exists. While teaching marriage classes at universities in Florida, Illinois, Wisconsin, and Utah, I have met numerous students at each school who are searching for the one individual they believe to be designated for them.

The origin of the one-and-only is often associated with religious beliefs and exists in many denominations. But other students have indicated they were being directed to their one-and-only by astrological or other supernatural forces. Some students believe in the one-and-only after having their palm read, while others derive the belief from parents or grandparents who related dramatic accounts of how they met and finally married their spouse.

If a person meets and then marries his or her one-and-only, all goes well. But if the relationship does not lead to marriage, or if they marry and for some reason divorce there are some interesting consequences.

Suppose two people meet and arrive at the conclusion they have found their one-and-only. Next, they publicly announce to family and friends they have found “the” person they are destined to marry. Suppose after the public announcement or declaration that they do not marry or that they do marry and later divorce. Problems frequently arise from these situations in that they met, and perhaps married the one designated for them by some external or supernatural power. Now they are walking out of each other’s life. What hath fate wrought?

Relatively few, perhaps 20 to 30 percent, of my students have married the first person with whom they had a serious love relationship and considered marriage.

The married students often relate that they had anywhere from one to three or four serious relationships, often with official engagements, before they met the person they finally married. And the majority of single students acknowledge that they have already had one or more boyfriend or girlfriend relationships where marriage was seriously contemplated but did not occur.

I have known many young people who break up with a one-and-only and within weeks or sometimes days have become involved with another one-and-only. There are also many happily married people who lose a spouse through death and later initiate a second successful marriage.

These and other friends question the one-and-only belief and further suggest there is probably more than one person with whom we could attain fulfillment in a marital relationship.

While a belief in the one-and-only before marriage seems questionable, it is imperative in marriage that one’s spouse becomes his or her one-and-only.

If it is true that action is preceded by thought, the longing for attention or affection from other adults could be devastating to a marriage. This is particularly true if a husband or wife later acts on the feelings and seeks intimate relationships outside the marriage.

Relatively few marriages can withstand the stress of extramarital affairs. Psychologically however, the thoughts alone have been known to be equally disruptive if a husband or wife allows their desires to disrupt their ongoing relationship with a spouse. It is important to learn to recognize such thoughts or feelings when they arise and not allow them to interfere with a marriage.

It is highly probable that for most people, there are several individuals with whom he or she might find happiness. Marriage however would likely be more meaningful if we could make our spouse our one-and-only and concentrate solely on building a relationship with him or her.