Go Ahead, Be First

Published January 17, 1980. 

QUESTION: “I have been going with one particular young woman for a few months and like her very much. The problem is, I don’t know how she feels about me. How can I find out? I don’t want to move too fast and ruin the whole relationship.”

ANSWER:  This is one of the most frequently asked questions during the years I have been counseling and teaching. I assume you are, or desire to be, more than friends and are anticipating marriage if she will reciprocate.

Most blossoming romances are much like a poker game. Each person is trying to bluff the other by pretending disinterest. In the course of the game, each player tries to find out the hand of the other without disclosing his own. Romance is unfortunately often like that.

There are numerous, devious ways you could find out how she feels about you.. Her roommate could tell you a thing or two, or you could steal her diary or bribe her little brother for information. But over the years I have recommended a strategy several times that is yet to fail. It is guaranteed to help you find out how the other person feels about you.

The only catch is you may find out what you don’t want to know . . . she may not care for you as much as you think, but such is the risk. Here is the strategy.

Usually, to encourage others to disclose their feelings about you requires that you first tell how you feel about them. In essence, you present a mirror for the other person of how you want them to respond. By demonstrating your own willingness to discuss feelings, you increase the probability they also will do the same. Being aloof or silent about personal feelings merely sets the stage for a similar response.

I feel one of the great tragedies in personal relationships occurs when people have positive feelings about each other but never convey the sentiment. Often we just assume they know, or perhaps we feel awkward in disclosing the information. But just the same, any positive sentiment between two people, married or contemplating marriage, should be expressed.

After recommending to numerous students that they first go and disclose how they feel, many gasp and turn purple. Some say it would be premature, “pushy”, or improper, but they still desire to know their partner’s feelings just the same.

A classic case happened not long ago. It was during the summer, and one young woman confided to me after class that she had been dating a fellow for some time and liked him very much. I asked her if he was the type of person she would like to marry, and she said he was. Her problem was that the semester ended the following week, and he was graduating. They had one more date before he left campus.

She wanted to know how she could find out if he cared about her without coming across as the fool if he didn’t like her. The reality was that their relationship would naturally end after graduation if nothing new happened.

I suggested that on their last date she disclose her sentiments to the young man. She should tell him she cared for him a great deal, even say she loved him (which she said she did), and that he was the kind of person she would like to marry someday. I suggested that she then state it was important to her that he know how she felt, since he would be leaving, and in addition, she would appreciate knowing how he felt about her.

My student said that was a big risk, but then remarked, “What have I got to lose besides my pride and a potential husband?” She left after agreeing to tell me how it came out.

To make a long story short, she did it. She arranged it, so they were alone and had time to talk. She told him of her feelings.  Much to her surprise, he told her he also loved her, but was so shy that he didn’t think he could tell her. He hoped that she loved him, too but was afraid that she did not.  He didn’t want to be embarrassed by disclosing his feelings only to be rejected. My student’s willingness to be the first to open up paid off. The last I heard their relationship had developed, and they were planning to be married.

I would highly recommend a book titled “The Transparent Self” by Dr. Sidney M. Jourard. In it, Dr. Jourard notes, “Self-disclosure follows an attitude of love and trust. If I love someone, not only do I strive to know him, so that I can devote myself more effectively to his well-being, I also display my love by letting him know me. At the same time, by so doing, I permit him to love me.”