Many Types of Jealousy

Published January 10, 1980. A reader writes, “I would like you to address the subject of jealousy, as I believe it to be the core of many other problems in marriage.”

Response: In almost every marriage there is probably some degree of envy or jealousy.  It occcurs if one marriage partner becomes overwhelmed at the capabilities, accomplishments, and talents of the other. Since no two human beings have exactly the same capabilities or talents, it is somewhat natural that some competitiveness and therefore jealousy would result. Jealousy is probably most prevalent during the beginning stages of marriage and dissipates as we mature over the years, if we do.

There are many types and intensities of jealousy, but one kind has been identified if a spouse is excessively dependent on the other and/or is lacking in self esteem.

In her book “Survival in Marriage,” Dr. Gail Putney Fullerton of San Jose University notes, “The jealous person, man or woman, is a person with low self-esteem, a person able to feel adequate and whole only when the loved one is present and attentive. It is this psychological dependence on the continuous approval of the loved one that creates the possessive attachment and unwillingness to share the loved one.

Dr. Fullerton suggests that the typical young woman identifies herself as acceptable only after a man finds her desirable. If or when he starts to be less attentive or shows similar attention to another, a major prop of self esteem is threatened in the first woman. Because she feels betrayed, empty, or worthless her first reaction may be to find another man who will again make her feel desirable.

A woman with low self-esteem will also frequently project onto a man the strength and purpose she never developed within herself. Such a woman will often feel inept and vulnerable in his absence. After marriage, she will consult with him on every minute detail of domestic life which also serves as a way to momentarily maintain his attention.

In short, Dr. Fullerton observes, “She does everything she can to monopolize his time and attention, for she needs to have him present to experience the alienated self potential she has projected onto him.”

A husband who has low self-esteem may fear he will not be able to hold the complete attention and devotion of his wife. He too may project on her that which he feels is lacking in himself. And if he should lose her, he would lose that part of himself identified in his wife.

If his wife is extremely attractive, the jealous husband will show her off only because she is an extension of himself. His ego is, in essence, parading around in the latest hair fashion and expensive dress. If she caters to his every whim, she conditions him to be threatened if she stops running to or for him or shows less adoration.

A jealous husband is threatened by any third party which becomes involved in his marriage. For example, a husband may become jealous of his wife’s job away from home, her co-workers, or her male boss. As his jealousy mounts he may make derogatory remarks about her job and the presumed neglect of the children and housework. While it may appear on the surface they are fighting about her job, Dr. Fullerton suggests in reality the conflict may be based on the husband’s fear that because of her job she may leave him and take part of his shallow identity with her.

If you experience extreme, intense jealousy it may be that you should work on changing yourself rather than your spouse. According to Dr. Fullerton, “The resolution of the conflicts created by jealousy requires that the jealous spouse arrive at a better opinion of himself or herself.” By becoming self accepting, a person with a negative self image can become a whole person with few fears leading to jealousy. Love does not consist of a husband and wife constantly scrutinizing each other, but in looking outward together in the same direction.