When a Husband Flirts Around . . .

Published January 24, 1980. 

QUESTION: Would you please write in your marriage column some advice that would be helpful to someone whose husband is very flirtatious with other women.

I am finding it increasingly difficult to keep from feeling resentful and hurt when he puts his arm around other women, holds their hand, tells them he misses them, says how attractive they are and how much they mean to him – all in my presence. And during all this time he ignores me. He claims he gets a crush on other women and then spends many hours talking to them and sometimes takes them for a ride in our automobile. On occasion he even takes them to a movie. As long as he isn’t committing adultery he seems to feel that I am being unreasonable and overly jealous. Do you agree?

ANSWER: Apparently you are not alone in your situation. During the past few weeks I have received two other letters from wives in similar circumstances.

Let’s assume you are not doing anything to provoke his attentiveness to other women and are not overly jealous. You can undoubtedly substantiate your claims that he is spending a considerable amount of time with other women both in and out of your presence.

It is amazing to me that we frequently think people should “get married and adjust” as if we can or should adjust to anything in marriage. We sometimes fail to remember that some situations arise in marriage that neither can nor should be tolerated. Your relationship may be approaching that point.

As far as being attentive to other women in your presence, that is at least something you can observe and somewhat control. But dating other women behind your back is entirely another issue.

It is difficult to understand how a grown man can think he can continually be around other women in private situations and not eventually become sexually involved. I addressed the issue in a previous column titled “The 3 R’s of Adultery.” Little do we remember that one of our marital vows is to “forsake all others,” and those who allow a husband to date other women do little to stabilize their own marriages. Here’s what I suggest you do.

First make sure he knows you are aware of his attentiveness toward other women. Tell him in a calm but firm manner specifically what it is that concerns or hurts you and that you will no longer tolerate such behavior in your marriage.

If he understands your sensitivity but continues to see other women, he will do so knowing of your awareness and that his actions cause you a great deal of emotional turmoil. His continuing to see other women would say something about the nature of your relationship.

If he does not stop seeing other women, tell him you intend to make his private escapades known to others. Your older children, both his and your parents, and your religious leader would be likely persons to inform. A little public light on dark deeds often does wonders. If he still insists on dating other women after this, then you might contact the other women yourself and indicate your sentiments.

At this point you may need professional help, since you may be in a relationship where your husband gives verbal commitments, but his behavior indicates otherwise. Martin Luther once said that if you want to understand a man, watch his fists, not his mouth. In other words, what a person does is more important and often more revealing than what one says.

By telling your husband you will no longer tolerate his relationship with other women, hopefully he will relinquish his desire to be with it and forgo the escapades. If he does not, then you are faced with a decision.  Should a person stay in a marriage when a spouse continually shows great interest in someone else?

That indeed is a difficult decision and one that requires a great deal of thought and consultation. No woman, however, need continue to sacrifice her own integrity for a man who evidently has little or no regard for her.