When Parents Oppose a Marriage

Published March 14, 1980. 

QUESTION: I plan to marry a young woman in a few months, but for some reasons her parent do not seem to approve of me, the marriage, or both. Her mother in particular is not too thrilled. Should I try and gain their approval or just go ahead and get married? How important is it in marriage to have her parents approval?

ANSWER: I have always felt that a marriage starts out with two strikes against it if any of the parents violently oppose. That does not mean, however, that the couple should not marry. It simply suggests that they should try to ascertain the reasons for the objections and examine their validity.

In reality, in most states a young woman over the age of 18 and young man over the age of 21 can legally marry without parental consent. In some states the ages are even lower. But parents can make a disputed marriage difficult. In addition, Dr. William N. Stephans of Florida Atlantic University examined over 60 research studies that evaluated predictors of marital adjustment. In his book “Reflections on Marriage” Dr. Stephens noted, “Parental approval? Get it first. Four studies all agree. Either the old folks really know something, or parental objections generate a self fulfilling prophecy effect.”

There have been couples who married and survived without parental consent, but it was not easy. Let’s look at a few of the issues involved.

Everyone anticipating marriage should realize that they are going to marry someone’s son or daughter. And most parents likely question whether anyone is ever good enough to marry their child. The giving away part of many wedding ceremonies is also an absolute farce. No parent ever gives a son or daughter away to anyone, although they will hopefully loosen the apron strings once the wedding knot is tied.

Young people often believe that after their marriage they will ride off into the sunset . . . alone. All they have to do is look in their rear view mirror, and they will notice a trail of dust. Figuratively and sometimes literally, mom and dad on both sides are still following them and will continue to do so to some degree throughout the marriage.

If I were you I would also try and determine how much your potential in-laws do object. In your case, does your girlfriend’s mother have just a mild concern, or is she strongly opposed? It may be that she is opposed just to her daughter getting married right now and not so much to you personally.

You may also want to find out if the concerns are just verbal, or does he or she threaten action. I have known of situations similar to yours where a parent threatened suicide. In another instance, the parents went to the home of their recently married daughter, kidnapped her, and left a note to their son-in-law stating the marriage was a mistake. On still another occasion of which I am aware the parents objected so much to the wedding of their son that they refused to attend the wedding. They did, however, send a sympathy card conveying their regrets for the occasion. A month later they also sent a greeting card congratulating the young couple that the marriage had lasted four weeks.

All these examples are extreme but do illustrate the point that parents can and sometimes do make the marriage of a child somewhat difficult if not impossible.

Having been reared in a rural area, allow me to make one last observation. As youngsters we learned the simple fact that you have to pet the cow to get her calf. I would suggest you spend some time alone with your future mother-in-law and let her get to know you a little better. Almost all mothers get a little jittery when you try and take away their young. Give her a little social oats by building rapport with her and don’t just sneak up on her and try to take away her daughter. Once in a while it may help to give her ego a few strokes, just to be safe.