Love Alone not a Sign Marriage to Succeed

January 20, 1983. Something humorous happened in my marriage class the other day. I suggested there was a Bible passage that gave great insight into contemporary marriage. I was referring to Luke 14:28-30. One of the students had her Bible with her, so I asked her to read the parable to the class. She stood up, opened her Bible to the book of Luke, and by mistake turned to chapter 13 and began reading verse 28. She read, “There shall be weeping and gnashing of teeth."

When the laughter finally ceased I conceded that, yes this too gave some insight into contemporary marriage. The young women then turned over the page and read Luke 14:28-30 which goes as follows:

For which of you, intending to build a tower, sitteth not down first, and counteth the cost, whether he have sufficient to finish it? Lest haply, after he hath laid the foundation, and is not able to finish it, all that behold it begin to mock him, Saying, This man began to build, and was not able to finish.

While many young couples believe today that they are old or mature enough to get married, some do so only to find out later they do not have the capacity or resources to continue the relationship. They lay the foundation but are not able to build.

My students are somewhat shocked when I tell them that love alone is not enough to make a marriage succeed. They might genuinely love another person, but love, in and of itself, does not make the two people compatible. This is particularly true if romance and physical attraction comprise a large component of the relationship. The fact is we can become romantically and physically attracted to others with whom we have little or nothing in common

When students ask the logical question of what additional things are needed to make a marriage work, we talk about several things. While it is true that man does not live by bread alone, we all agree that at least some bread is necessary. We also talk about commitment, maturity, the ability to forgive and seek forgiveness, trust, fidelity, similarity in backgrounds, age, formal education, some degree of independence from parents, the ability to manage a home, plus some consensus about children. People with a high degree of commitment to their religious values have also been found to be ideal marriage partners.

Those who are seriously involved with an individual sometimes wonder if they will ever know if they are doing the right thing by marrying that person. The wedding ceremony may be perceived more as an execution than a celebration. For such people I have a rather simple solution: get engaged!

Many view the engagement period as the final commitment that precedes marriage. They will not become engaged until they are absolutely certain they want to marry. This philosophy works for many.

Others, however, perceive engagement as a testing period, a time to see if they really should marry. And during this time they keep their fingers on the pulse of the relationship to determine the strength of the beat. After becoming engaged, things usually change. First, they are treated as a potential married couple, they withdraw from dating others, they start planning a wedding, and they interact more frequently with each others parents. Most important of all they are confronted with the reality that this is the person they might actually marry. All other prospects must be put aside. Such reality usually aids the couple in making the final decision either to marry or break off the relationship.

It is interesting to note that (according to one study), approximately 25 percent of formal engagements terminate before the wedding ceremony. Couples who do so often reveal a high degree of maturity. Others simply ignore the concerns and hope they will be worked out after the marriage. Sometimes they are. And unfortunately, sometimes they are not.

Those who do break up usually do so after a great deal of deliberation and thought. They, too, finally come to the realization that even though they may actually love each other, other essential elements are missing, and they would not likely remain happily married.