Pain Can Enhance a Relationship if You Work Together

Published March 17, 1983. Be assured that marriage is alive and well in Utah. A few weeks ago I wrote a column titled “Who Speaks For Marriage?” Readers were invited to write in and express their thoughts on what they enjoyed about being married. I received some interesting letters stating some advantages and positive aspects of wedded life.

One letter in particular intrigued me. It was from a friend, Don Searle, who also works at BYU. He wrote “The enclosed bit of poetry is a response to your request for comments from readers. It reflects some thoughts about a particular aspects of marriage I believe is overlooked by lovers contemplating life together.”

“It was, coincidentally, something I have been thinking about for some time. Most of the poem was written last summer, long before I read your recent column. I am not advocating the creation of pain as a way to strengthen a bond between two people. There is no need for that, since pain will inevitably come. When it does, though, we ought to be prepared to handle it in a way that can strengthen the relationship.”

Here is Don's poem entitled “Union.”

UNION

We speak light-hearted banter,

our minimum daily trivia,

the nuts and bolts and memos

of a marriage

so we won’t have to say

the things that really matter.

We marvel at the baby,

And the price of food,

Or how our young have grown.

Never will we touch

The private hurts,

Deep wells of sorrow

Where two together drink

Along with taught

We are a legal pair,

Or so the records say

But legal jargon’s silent

About the way to weld

Enduring, fruitful union

That binds in time of hurt

No words in passing will suffice.

I would taste your grief,

And blend your tears with mine

For what was wedded truly

If joy is all we share?

Our love must still be stronger

Than the stinging moment’s lash.

Come, speak to me of grief,

Of dreams no more than ash,

Of scars you charge to me.

Let me leave with you

Silent sorrow borne,

Leave it faded withered,

And take up patience, peace.

Let us build a union

To match the strength of years,

Secure in power of loving

Beyond the pull of pain.

Don L. Searle

We thank Don for sharing his poetic thoughts with us.