Put Yourself in the Other’s Shoes


Published February 28, 1985. OK. So you’ve just had a little spat with your spouse. Some time has now passed by and you feel a little resentful, even some spite. You have thought of something you could say that would be hurtful . . . a way of seeking some revenge for the pain you have endured since the confrontation.

What should you do? Should you go ahead and say it when the opportunity arises? On the other hand, how might he or she feel if such words are expressed?

There is a guideline you can use to find out. And a pretty accurate one at that. Simply put yourself in the situation and ask how you would feel if someone said something of a similar nature to you. How might you feel in related circumstances? This gives some indication of consequences for both thought and feeling.

Some may think it is a rather simplistic view of human beings--that how one feels or acts in a given situation is probably how another will act and feel. But the observation of this trend is both ancient and apparently cross-cultural.

Most of us know this phenomena as The Golden Rule. Christians will recall that it is expressed in the Bible in St. Matthew 7:12. “Therefore all things whatsoever you would that men should do to you, do ye even so to them: for this is the law and the prophets.”

It is interesting to note, in addition, that many of the major religions of the world have at the center of their moral teaching “The Golden Rule.” Consider the similar teachings of the following statements:

Judaism: “What is hateful to you, do not to your fellowman. This is the entire Law; all the rest is commentary.” (Talmud, Shabbat, 3id)

Buddhism: “Hurt not others in ways that you yourself would find hurtful.” (Udama-Varga 5,18)

Hinduism: “This is the sum of duty: Do not unto others that which would cause you pain if done to you.” (Mahabharata 5, 1517)

Confucianism: “Is there one maxim which ought to be acted upon throughout one’s life? Surely it is the maxim of loving kindness: Do not unto others what you would not have them do unto you.” (Analects, 15, 23)

Taoism: “Regard your neighbor’s gain as your own gain, and your neighbor’s loss as your own loss.” (Tai Shang Kan Ying P’ien)

Zoroastrianism: “That nature alone is good which refrains from doing another whatsoever is not good for itself.” (Dadisten-i-dink, 94, 5)

If husbands and wives would follow The Golden Rule as taught by many religions, most marriages would improve. This is particularly true when conflict arises. We sometimes become offended or hurt and want to retaliate. But in doing so, the harm often causes much more damage to the relationship than we anticipated.

So the next time you are tempted to say or do something demeaning to your husband or wife, stop and consider the consequences. How would you feel in a similar situation? Then think of the application of the near-universal Golden Rule: “Hurt not others in ways you yourself would find hurtful.”

Would you like more information about marriage? Call Dr. Barlow’s MARRIAGE INSIGHTS at 1-976-4357 (or 1-976-HELP) in Salt Lake City for a three-minute recorded message. An additional 95 cents will be added to your phone bill by Mountain Bell.


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