The Prayer for Tourists

Published August 15, 1985. A few weeks ago members of our family took a tour through parts of England, Wales and Ireland. Included in the touring group were my wife Susan; her mother Alice Day from American Fork, who just turned 84; Doug, our oldest son who just graduated from high school; and yours truly.

It was a guided bus tour, and we thoroughly enjoyed the nine-day trip in Great Britain and the Irish Republic.

When we boarded the bus at the Kennedy Hotel in England, the tour guide, Tony Lanning, bid us welcome and read us the Tourists Prayer by Art Buchwald. At the time we didn’t appreciate the insights, but after the trip was over, we certainly did.

The following is dedicated to all married couples who have traveled abroad in the past, or plan to do so in the future. You, too, may learn to appreciate “The Prayer for Tourists.”

Heavenly Father, look down on us, your humble, obedient tourist servants, who are doomed to travel this earth, taking photographs, mailing postcards, buying souvenirs, and walking around in drip-dry underwear.

Give us this day divine guidance in the selection of our hotels, that we may find our reservations honored, our rooms made up, and hot water running from the faucets.

We pray that the telephones work, and the operators speak our tongue.

Lead us, dear Lord, to good, inexpensive restaurants, where the food is superb, the waiters friendly, and the wine included in the price.

Give us wisdom to tip correctly in currencies we do not understand. Forgive us for under tipping out of ignorance and over tipping out of fear. Make the natives love us for what we are, and not for what we contribute to their worldly goods.

Grant us the strength to visit the museums, the cathedrals, the palaces and castles listed as ‘musts’ in the guidebooks. And if perchance we skip a historic monument to take a nap after lunch, have mercy on us, for our flesh is weak.

FOR HUSBANDS ONLY

Dear God, Keep our wives from shopping sprees and protect them from ‘bargains’ they don’t need or can’t afford. Lead them not into temptation for they know not what they do!

FOR WIVES ONLY

Almighty Father, Keep our husbands from looking at foreign women and comparing them to us. Save them from making fools of themselves in cafes and nightclubs. Above all do not forgive them their trespasses for they know exactly what they do.

Travel abroad can be educational, insightful, entertaining, fatiguing, and a blissful hassle all at once. But if the Almighty grants Art Buchwald’s petition in behalf of tourists, the vacation might be just a little more enjoyable.

And for what its worth, my neighbor Pam Walker gave me an insightful definition of the difference between a vacation and a trip.

If the family goes somewhere overnight, it’s a vacation for the children . . . and it’s a trip for the parents.