Who Decides What’s Right or Wrong?

Published August 29, 1985. Most married couples, on occasion, have a difficult time making decisions. We often get caught in the bind of deciding who is going to decide. And by so doing we often ignore the much more important issue of what is decided.

The Marriage Encounter Magazine was originally published for Catholic couples. While it recently has claimed to be interdenominational, it still has a Christian overtone, which is understandable.

In a recent issue, Lowell and Carol Erdahl addressed the question “Who Decides What?” They observe that traditionally the man has been seen as the “head” of the house and the wife has been perceived as the “heart.” While they see some merit in this perception, they also offer caution. They observe:

“In spite of all that can be said for it, we don’t like this “head and heart” arrangement. It suggests that the husband has all the brains while the wife has all the emotions . . . Being male does not ensure the presence of either love or wisdom. Beyond the wisdom of particular decisions, a wife who yields total responsibility for ultimate decision-making abdicates something essential to her and, at the same time, gives her husband responsibility he should not have to bear alone.”

The Erdahls ask married couples to be more concerned with the general outcome of the decision, rather than be preoccupied with the issue of who makes it. In helping marriage partners decide, they suggest eleven tests, so to speak, for Christian couples to follow. They are:

• The law test: Is it (the contemplated action) in accordance with the Ten Commandments?
• The Golden Rule test: Is it in accordance with the Golden Rule, “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you?”
• The test of Jesus’ new commandment: Is it in accord with Jesus’ new commandment to “Love one another as I have loved you?”
• The test of consequences: Is it hurtful or helpful to myself and others?
• The test of publicity: Is it something I’d be pleased to have everyone know about?
• The test of universality: Would the world be better or worse if everyone were to act in the way I’m thinking of acting?
• The test of projected retrospect: will I likely be pleased five/ten years from now to have done what I’m thinking of doing today?
• The test of Jesus’ example: Is it something Jesus would do?
• The test of self-love: Does it express love of neighbor as of self? If I do this, will I be caring as much for others as I care for myself?
• The test of conscience: Will I feel regret or gratitude after the deed is done or left undone?

The next time you and your spouse confront a major decision, why not apply these eleven “tests” to your options. It may help you in making the decision. Remember, Lowell and Carol Erdahl suggest the outcome of the decision is equally as important as who ultimately makes it. I, for one, appreciate their insights.