Wives Need More Help at Home

Published May 29, 1986. During the recent past I have commented in this column about some of the changes in contemporary marriage. One of those trends is that more and more wives are being employed outside the home. It is anticipated in the United States that by the year 1990 about 70 percent of wives will be employed. And by the turn of the century nearly 80 percent of wives will be adding to the family income through employment.

As wives enter the work force in sizeable numbers, some interesting things happen in their marriages. For one, many husbands expect their wives to continue to maintain the home by themselves. It is estimated that it takes about 55 hours a week to run a home when young children are present. That is compared to a normal 40 hour work week outside the home for husbands.

Already we have a 15 hour work discrepancy between husbands and wives if husbands do not assist with any maintenance of home and family. If a wife works part-time, say 20 hours a week, and still has to keep up the house alone, the hour spread becomes 40-75 or a thirty-five hour difference.

If she works a full 40 hours a week with no help at home, we have a 40-95 work hour differential, far more than double, in the work schedule of husbands and wives. It is little wonder that so many contemporary women are fatigued, out of energy, or even exhausted. All husbands with wives who work or not, must simply help more at home. And children should help as well, where possible. American wives are beginning to burn out. And if not burned out, many are becoming singed around the edges.

This observation was brought to my attention once again in a letter from a reader. She wrote:

Dear Dr. Barlow:

I would appreciate having you comment in your column about a problem of which I am personally aware, and a problem I see in the lives of many of my friends. I think it is a serious problem and one which will continue to grow as more and more women join the work force. The situation I am referring to is one in which the wife has gone to work.

Her life changes drastically, whereas the husband’s life often changes very little. This is the case in our home. I have had to go to work, and I work an average of 46 hours a week. I did not want to go to work . . . I do so because my husband expects it of me. We have a large family, and when the financial pressures became great, I finally reluctantly joined the work force.

Assuming that traditionally, the wife is the homemaker and the husband is the provider, then anything she does to assist him helps him in his responsibilities and anything he does to assist helps in hers.

As mentioned, I am presently putting in 46 hours a week to help provide for our family. He, on the other hand, is putting in 30-60 minutes a week in helping around the house. We have discussed this, and he knows how I feel. But nothing seems to change. I am not the only wife trapped in this dilemma. It would be frustrating if I were career-oriented, but my heart is definitely at home.

I see this going on all around me. The wives are exhausted, stretched thin, and trying to be all things to all people. The husbands put in their eight hours, then come home and stretch out in front of the television with the newspaper.

If you have any solutions to the problem, I know many other wives would appreciate hearing about it. Maybe you could even wake up a few husbands and children.

(Signed by the column reader)

She and I both invite your response. I made my case at the beginning of this column.