How One Wife Coped with In-Laws

Published August 13, 1987. Not long ago in this column, I included a letter from a young wife who was concerned about the intrusion of her in-laws into her marriage. She and their son had waited a few years to have children, and she resented their constant hinting that they should have a baby.

I suggested readers may have some advice and invited you to write. And you did. Here is just one of the letters I received.

Dear Dr. Barlow:

I am writing in regard to the letter about the young wife and her in-laws. Two years ago, I could have written a similar letter to you. In these last two years many problems have finally been put to rest. Here are a few suggestions I can give from my own experience.

1. Evaluate your relationship with your husband. One problem I had was that I didn’t feel like I was No. 1 with my husband, or as the scripture says, ‘Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother and shall cleave unto his wife; and they shall be one flesh.’ (Genesis 2:24). I felt like my in-laws were constantly causing problems between us because my husband seemed more considerate of his parents’ feelings than he did of mine. He easily did what his parents suggested was important, but he would have to think long and hard about things I felt were important.

2. I think open communication is important. My husband didn’t want me to tell his parents how I felt. He was afraid I might hurt their feelings. But it seemed OK that they could hurt mine. We almost went down the divorce road because of these two problems.

Two years ago, after being married nine years, I’d had enough of the lack of communication and the problems we were having with his parents. I decided to get help from our LDS bishop and a marriage counselor. My husband finally realized that it is appropriate to communicate feelings to a parent. So we sat down with them and talked through some of the problems we had with them over the years. They didn’t realize they had been causing so much contention between us. They also helped their son realize it was alright for him to express his feelings to them.

3. It does not pay to build up a lot of resentment against another person. I could tell that the hurt and anger I felt toward my husband’s parents were affecting me in other areas of my life. Now that I’ve been able to resolve those feelings, I feel a lot differently towards life and towards his parents.

4. With time and maturity, both his parents and we seem to have mellowed. His parents no longer insist that we have to do everything their way. Now that our children are getting older, I’m understanding more why my parents and his parents are the way they are. Sometimes it’s difficult to teach children correct principles and then give them the chance to govern themselves.

In closing I want to tell you that my husband and I are the happiest we have ever been. We now get along great with his parents. I’ve enjoyed reading your column every week. Your ideas and thoughts have been helpful.”

We thank this reader for her thoughts. Many people in this area are aware of the advice to “Teach correct principles and let them govern themselves.” This young wife suggests that teaching children should take place while they are at home with their parents. And then, particularly after marriage, self-governing should follow.