Try to Remember the Good Times

Published August 20, 1987. The story is told of the famous artist, Whistler, who once painted a tiny picture of a spray of roses. The painting was magnificent. Never before, it seemed, had the art of man been able to execute so deftly a reproduction of nature.

The picture was the envy of all artists who saw it, and the despair of the lovers of art who yearned to buy it for their collections. But Whistler steadfastly refused to sell his work of art. He later told why.

“For whenever I feel my hand has lost its cunning, whenever I doubt my ability, I look at my little picture of the roses and say to myself, Whistler, you painted that. Your hand drew it. Your imagination conceived the colors. Your skill put the roses on the canvas. Then I know that what I have done I can do again.”

The artist then gave a great philosophy of success. He said, “Hang on the walls of your mind the memory of your successes. Take counsel of your strengths, not your weaknesses. Think of the good jobs you have done. Think of the times you rose above your average level of performance and carried out an idea or dream or a desire for which you had deeply longed. Hang the pictures on the walls of your mind and look at them as you travel on the roadway of life.”

This short story has significance. As a marriage counselor I have noted that married couples often become preoccupied with what has gone wrong with their marriage. Both husbands and wife can rehearse, almost upon cue, all the failures and setbacks of their marital relationship. But when asked to recall some of the successes, some of the things they have done well, or some obstacle they have encountered and overcome, many couples have a difficult time.

While it is important to learn from our mistakes in marriage, they must be kept in perspective. We seem to be drawn to our dominant thought patterns. If we continue to think of negative things and failures, our behavior tends to follow suit. But the opposite is also true. If we tend to think of the more positive aspects of life, the things we have succeeded in doing, we, like Whistler with his magnificent painting, are reminded of our strengths rather than being preoccupied with our weaknesses.

Susan and I have often caught ourselves playing a silly game. At the end of a long, difficult day, we start rehearsing all the things we intended to do, but didn’t get accomplished. One will start out with something not done and then the other follows. Unless we catch ourselves we can go on and on.

One way we have found to stop this habit is to talk about the “Dids” rather than the “Did Nots.” Sometimes we amaze ourselves in what we did actually accomplish rather than bemoan the fact that we failed when we tried something or didn’t even try at all. On occasion, we, like most other married couples, can stand back and admire our picture of roses.

Perhaps every married couple should take the advice of Whistler. “Hang on the walls of your mind the memory of your successes. Take counsel in your strengths . . . Think of the times you (and your spouse) rose above your average level of performance. Hang these pictures on the walls of your mind, and look at them as you travel on the roadway of life.”

When we do this we will have a rich resource upon which to draw, if and when we ever reach the point in our marriage when individually or jointly we begin to doubt our ability. Then we, too, can say, “If we’ve done it once, we can do it again.”

Then we must go out again and do it.