No Guarantees in Today’s Nuptials

Published March 22, 1990. March is an interesting time of the year regarding marriage. Many of my students at Brigham Young University plan to marry at the end of April or early May. And rightfully so, they begin to wonder a little about the event that awaits them. I think it is even fair to say they worry a bit. Perhaps they should.

One young coed stopped by my office a few days ago and told me she was nervous about her wedding in just a few weeks. I tried to assure her that everything would be OK. “Are there any guarantees, Dr. Barlow? Is there anything that can assure me of a successful marriage?”

That is a good question. Are there any guarantees in contemporary marriage? I thought about it for a few moments and recalled some of the recent trends. Divorce rates overall have stabilized for those married prior to 1970 but have done so at a rather high rate of somewhere between 40 and 50 percent. But the rates of divorce have increased to slightly more than half for some groups, including those married between 1970 and 1980. Some experts believe that the divorce rate of those marrying since 1980 may approximate nearly two-thirds. My young student had reason to wonder.

Divorce rates tend to be somewhat lower nationwide for young men and women with traditional religious views. Most of my students fit into that category. But still they may end up living in cities or communities where divorce is the norm. Staying married to one person may become the exception in the future. What impact, if any, will that make on their marriages?

I suggested to the young woman that she make as wise a choice as possible in choosing a marriage partner. She said she had. Next, she should reduce some of the obvious risks by spending three or four months taking a closer look at the relationship after they decide to marry. She said they had been engaged nearly five months. (Romantic emotions run high during the dating period. That and strong sexual attraction can very easily distort a relationship prior to marriage.) Finally, I suggested that she must be willing to make vows of commitment, as must her future husband, in a wedding ceremony and then be willing to work hard to make a marriage worthwhile.

She said she had done everything possible to do before marriage and was willing to do everything within her capacity after the wedding in just a few weeks. We laughed at that point as she confessed she may just have some pre-wedding jitters so common at this time of year.

Before she left I told her of just one promise – a guarantee of sorts – that might be helpful to those about to marry. It is a religious quote and goes as follows:

“Search diligently, pray always, and be believing, and all things shall work together for your good, if you walk uprightly and remember the covenant wherewith you have covenanted one with another” (Doctrine & Covenants 90:24).

She wrote the quote down and have a big sigh. As she walked out the door she said she would be glad when the wedding was over, so she could get on with life. The young bride-to-be probably reflects the views of several thousand other couples who will marry in the United States during the next few weeks. We wish them well and hope that they will indeed remember the promises they make to each other at the time of their wedding. For those vows and commitments are the basis on which contemporary marriages are built . . . and survive.