Life After Marriage? It’s Up to You

Published May 11, 1979. Recent inquiries and investigations have raised the question where life does and does not exist. Magazine articles ask, “Is there life after death?” Scientists inquire about the possibility of life in outer space or on other planets. Currently, we are also faced with the question, “Is there life after marriage?” Sadly enough, for many there is not.

Many people marry with the expectation that the excitement and thrills experienced prior to and just after marriage will continue. And for some they do. But there are likely a few expectations in almost all marriages that are not fulfilled.

In their book ‘The Significant Americans,” Dr. John F. Cuber of Ohio State University and his colleague Peggy B. Harroff describe a relationship they term as ‘devitalized marriage.’

After interviewing several hundred married couples, Cuber and Harroff found that the devitalized pattern emerged as one of the dominant models in contemporary marriages in the United States, and they suggest it “is exceedingly common.” As the devitalized marriage is described, keep in mind that these are married, not divorced couples.

In a devitalized marriage, the discrepancy is between middle-aged reality and the first years of marriage. The couples usually characterized themselves as having been ‘deeply in love’ in the beginning, as having spent a great deal of time together, having enjoyed sex, and most importantly of all having had a close identification with one another.

The present picture, however, with some variation from case to case, was found to be in clear contrast with couples spending little time together.  Sexual relationships were reported to be far less satisfying quantitatively or qualitatively, and interests and activities were not now shared, at least in the deeper and meaningful way they once were. Most of their time together now was described as ‘duty time’: entertaining together, planning and sharing activities with children, and participating in various kinds of church and community activities.

The researchers reported that these couples as a rule retain, in addition to a genuine interest in the welfare of their children, a shared attention to their joint property and sometimes to careers.

But even in the latter case the contrast is interesting. Despite a common dependency on occupational success and the benefits which flow from it, there was typically very little sharing of the intrinsic aspects of careers.

If Cuber and Harroff’s observations are correct, there is an apparent need for rejuvenation in many marriages, and perhaps in all at some point of the marriage. Here are a few suggestions how it might be attained:

1. As husband and wife, avoid prolonged routines without periodic breaks. Married couples need to make plans and take time for relaxation, individual growth, and development as well as seeking to grow together in love, esteem, and compatibility.
2. As a couple, occasionally get away from the daily demands of children, jobs and other responsibilities. These vacations or dates need not be long or expensive, although they can be if time and money permit. Many couples find renewal in a marriage simply by walking or jogging together. Others take a short drive or a trip downtown for a treat. This, they usually find, does wonders at the end of a difficult day. Some couples avoid devitalization by reading together, watching TV together, or simply having a few minutes alone for quiet conversation after the children have gone to bed. There are, in addition, the community resources for recreation and entertainment.
3. Don’t assume the other person in your marriage knows he or she is loved and appreciated . Continual expression of affection and appreciation, even when it seems unwarranted, is important, particularly when it is unexpected.
4. Celebrate literally, wedding anniversaries by renewing former commitments made in the original vows, or, better still, make new commitments to each other appropriate for the present and the future.

Albert Schweitzer once said, “The tragedy of life is what dies inside a man while he lives.” Evidently many good aspects of martial relationships die during the marriage, and it is highly probable that more marriages die from neglect than from abuse.