Shining Knight or Charging Cavalry?

Published January 26, 1979. One of the most intriguing aspects of marriage is how two people can experience the same event, and yet both have entirely different perceptions of what happened. An example of this in my own marriage is when I return home each evening from work.

I see myself something like a knight on a white horse who has been out facing and slaying dragons all day. The only things that could add to the analogy are if a moat were dug around our  house, a draw-bridge lowered, and the children all lined up to sound a trumpet fanfare as I arrive.

My wife, Susan, however, sees things differently. Her perception of my arrival is more like that of the U.S. Cavalry charging in with a bugle call to rescue her from the frequent ambushes of our children and their friends. In other words, “Help has finally arrived.”

While this illustration may sound facetious, it demonstrates something we realized rather early in our marriage. We found we both were often insensitive to what each other had experienced during the day. I wanted her to be extremely understanding of difficult or trying experiences of mine, and yet I was not aware of her similar expectations.

Some time ago I was away from home three or four days and during that time missed my wife and children a great deal. I was anxious to get home, but upon returning I was disappointed at the welcome, or lack of it. None of the children came to greet me; they were preoccupied with other activities. My absence had not been noted as much by my family, it seemed, as it had by me.

Susan also was unusually quiet during the next few hours, which added to my dismay.

Later that evening I conveyed my disappointment to her apparent insensitivity of my leaving and returning. She then told me what she had experienced while I had been gone.

The car wouldn’t start, the washing machine had broken down, the hot water heater only worked part of the time, and the children had been less than cooperative. These, plus several other things, had made the time apart a very trying and difficult time for her.

She, too, felt I was unappreciative of her holding down the fort during my absence.

Both husbands and wives often confront difficult and trying situations as they assume their various responsibilities. Perhaps marriage would be more meaningful if we were more sensitive to each other’s daily experiences.