Sharing the Humor in Your Marriage

Published November 13, 1980. It is obvious to most husbands and wives that there are many humorous incidents in marriage. It was not that long ago that I got up late. After shaving I reached in the bathroom cabinet for my aerosol deodorant and, by mistake, grabbed my wife’s hair spray. Susan got a good laugh out of it, but for some reason I failed to see much humor in the mix-up. In fact, I was quiet miserable the rest of the day.

In their book “A Guide to Successful Marriage,” Dr. Albert Ellis and Robert Harper have noted, “Perhaps nothing helps more than a sense of humor to establish or reestablish effective communication in marriage. It is easier, of course, to see humor in other people’s marriage troubles than in one’s own. It is also easier to find something funny about one’s mate’s predicaments than about one’s own. For humor to facilitate marital communication, it must be shared by husband and wife.”

I recall another incident in our marriage a few years ago which verifies Harper’s and Ellis’ observation about shared humor.

Susan and I were fishing one summer from the shore of a lake. She was on one side of a big bush, and I was on the other. My wife’s casting skills . . . how can I say this discreetly . . . are better at some times than others.

The fish were biting fairly well and I heard her wind up for a cast. There was a distinct whip of the rod and all of a sudden I felt a tug on my shirt collar. You guess it; she had hooked me.

Susan called over and indicated she had a snag. I looked down at my collar and said, “Yes, I know.” Just then she began reeling in her line and consequently began pulling me into the bush. I finally communicated to her that she had caught me with her indiscriminate casting. There was a short pause and then she began laughing. She thought it was so funny. As with the deodorant and hair spray mix-up, I didn’t see the immediate humor at all.

I tried to get the hook out of my collar and just about the time I would have it out she would give a tug on her line. I was getting more annoyed. In fact, I was so irritated that I couldn’t laugh with her until later that evening as we were driving home. A couple of kids fishing down the bank thought the whole scene was rather entertaining. And in hind sight, I must agree it was.

Harper and Ellis ask, “Does this mean that married couples who want to learn to live happily together need to become rather nitwit-ish about difficulties? Does it take a third-rate comedian to succeed in modern marriage?”

In answer to their own questions they respond, “No, it takes acceptance (if not immediate resolution) of differences. Since, however, anxiety is an omnipresent block to understanding and accepting and dealing rationally with differences between two intimate associates, and since humor is one of the best methods of reducing anxious blockages, shared humor in marriage is one of the better communicative techniques.”

It was Stephen Leacock who noted, “Humor may be defined as the kindly contemplation of the incongruities of life.” And by husband and wife learning to laugh together at their marital inconsistencies, perhaps contemporary living would seem just a little less hectic.

And by the way, I now use a stick deodorant.