Seven Questions About Marriage

Published June 30, 1983. One of the distinct opportunities derived from attending conventions on marriage and family is meeting other people from various parts or the United States with similar goals and interests. Among some of the people I have met and admire most are Dr. David and Vera Mace from Winston-Salem, North Carolina. They have been married for over 50 years and have done much, perhaps more than any other couple, to help others have fulfilling marital relationships.

Writing in a recent issue of “Marriage Encounter,” Dr. Mace noted that in nearly 40 years of marriage counseling he has found there are seven key areas of contemporary marriage. If worked on, the results can be highly rewarding. Here are seven questions Dr. mace asks each married couple to discuss:

1. How good is your communication? Can you tell each other honestly what your deepest thoughts and feelings are and be sure of an empathetic hearing? Is there anything in your marriage that you simply cannot discuss?
2. Can you acknowledge and accept both positive and negative emotions that you develop toward each other? Can you express warm feelings of affection and tenderness and get an equally warm response? Can you tolerate, and help resolve, each other’s negative feelings of hostility, frustration, and anger?
3. Can you make joint decisions that take into account the needs of each other and also prove to be workable? This kind of skill can be achieved by all couples who have developed a mutually acceptable relationship.
4. Have you worked out your particular pattern for gender roles so that you both are comfortable about it. Dr. Mace notes that no marriage can achieve its potential until the two people achieve a good partnership that recognizes what masculinity and femininity mean to both.
5. Have you achieved a mutually acceptable way of meeting each other’s sexual needs? You should agree on what you can do together to improve this dimension of marriage for both of you.
6. Does your marriage give both of you the freedom you need for your own personal development? In a good relationship, Dr. Mace observes, the development of martial potential and personal potential should go hand in hand.
7. Does your relationship with your children support and enrich your martial relationship? The strength of your marriage should unite each of you lovingly to each of your children.

In conclusion, Dr. Mace asks, “Are you entirely satisfied with your marriage? If you are, should you be? In either case, I challenge you to take these seven areas, then schedule two to three hours for honest, open discussion of each. You could do this by setting aside an evening every week – or better still, a whole weekend. The best procedure is for each of you, separately, to write down first your individual response to all the questions. Then, when you come together, share your conclusions and begin from there.”

You might just take one area at a time and work on it. Dr. Mace also notes that if you do get together and find you cannot talk about some specific question without becoming emotionally blocked or getting into a fight you can’t settle, you probably need the help of a marriage counselor or a support group. There should be some of both in your area or community.

Good marriages don’t “just happen.” They are attained by working persistently and lovingly. Why not take the time to review these seven questions together. More importantly, what can the two of you do to improve each of these seven important areas of your marriage? The time spent, if wisely planned, could be one of the best investments you will every make for yourself, your marriage, and your family.