Sudden Case of Myopia

Published March 30, 1979. Not long ago a young man who had been married only a few months was describing the adjustments he and his wife had encountered during the initial part of their marriage. He concluded by saying, “You might say we have a strange and wonderful relationship. She’s strange, and I’m wonderful.”

The tendency to blame one’s spouse for the problems encountered in marriage is all too common. The phenomenon of seeing one’s self as flawless and well-adjusted is equally interesting. Why are we so astute in elaborating on our spouse’s inadequacies and yet experience myopia when it comes to viewing our own?

A husband and wife in marriage counseling will often come in with a list of things the other person is doing that causes stress in the relationship. Either can name the time, place, and date when the other person did something to cause offense.

Yet, when asked what they individually have done or are doing to contribute to the martial disruption, they verbally begin to shine their halos under the pretense they are unaware of anything they are doing that causes conflict.

If nothing else, they have contributed to the stress by allowing it to evolve to the painful point it now is, or, at a minimum, they are accomplices to conflict in that they have chosen not to work constructively on their own to resolve the differences.

In trying to induce change in a relationship it is often best to start with ourselves in at least two dimensions: (a) what behavior or behaviors do I exhibit that cause stress in our relationship, and what can I do to change? And (b) what is my own tolerance level of my spouse’s annoying mannerisms or behavior, and what can I do to become more tolerant? Examining one’s own behavior and attitudes at these two levels would do much to promote marital tranquility. The likelihood of a spouse initialing change within him or herself is much greater when you demonstrate a willingness to change than if you demand they change to meet your expectations.

One of the great myths perpetuated on the American Society was contained in the hit movie “Love Story” suggesting, “Love means you never have to say you’re sorry.” Actually, just the opposite is true. A love relationship may be measured by how frequently those magic words in marriage are repeated . . . “I’m sorry.” Thus by admitting your own errors and willingness to work for reconciliation, you mirror for your spouse that (which both of you probably recognize) you are two strange people experiencing a potentially wonderful relationship.