Try More Coping and Less Hoping

Published March 16, 1979. One of the games we frequently played as children was “Three Wishes,” where we could wish for any three things we wanted. Even as adults we continue to wish for things in life, and it is perhaps both fortunate and unfortunate that some of our wishing is for an improved marriage.

Wishing or hoping for a better marriage is beneficial in that recognition is made for needed change. There are many marriages where those involved are insensitive to the need for improved relationships. But wishing or hoping for such changes may be dysfunctional if that is all one does.

One of the great myths regarding marriage is that it spontaneously or automatically will improve in time with little or no effort. Sooner or later we have  to confront the reality that hoping isn’t coping.

Many marriage partners often desire improved relationships in their marriage, but their expectations aren’t always attained. This is frequently because nothing constructive is done by those involved to bring about the improvement even though they both know and wish “something could be done.”

Following are a few suggestions and observations:

1. Confront the reality that changes need to be made not only in thinking but also in behavior. You should not only desire change but also be willing to do something to bring it about.
2. Before presenting your list of desired changes to your husband or wife, it may be helpful to make your own list of (a) what you have done, or not done, in the past to contribute to the less-than-desirable marriage? And (b) what are you willing to do in the future to contribute to a better marriage? You can best start on those areas where you have immediate control, and that is yourself. And by demonstrating your willingness to change you have a better chance of soliciting a similar response in your husband or wife, if you are genuine and sincere in your intentions.
3. Give your impaired marriage adequate time for improvement. Negative personality traits and undesirable behavior patterns often evolve over time and will not likely disappear overnight. But people can and do change if they desire to do so and are given ample time to achieve the change. In essence old dogs can, in time, learn new tricks.
4. Don’t expect immediate success in your endeavors. One of my colleagues observed that when people seek changes in relationships, things often get worse before they get better. The trend, however, is often temporary, and relationships can gradually improve with conscientious persistent effort.
5. Many married couples seek for and attain improved relationships on their own without outside help. On occasion, however, it may be necessary for some to seek help from competent sources. Assistance for working through marital problems is often best found in those who are not emotionally involved in the marriage, which excludes most neighbors, friends, and family members.

It is also wise to seek help from those who have had some training in dealing with marital problems. A competent marriage and family counselor can be located in most communities. In addition, religious leaders, mental health workers, and those in the medical and legal professions can also render assistance or make referrals.

Actively seeking to improve marital relationships, rather than merely wishing they would get better, takes involvement, work, and effort. Ultimately however, such endeavors are much more satisfying and fulfilling. Perhaps marriage would be more meaningful if we made a diligent effort of less hoping and more coping in our marital interaction.