Trifles Hurt a Marriage

Published October 9, 1980

QUESTION: I dearly love my husband of several years, and we usually get along just fine. But there is one thing he does that absolutely drives me nuts. When he shaves he leaves the whiskers on the bathroom sink. I know this sounds like a minor problem, Dr. Barlow, but I just about go out of my mind when I walk in the bathroom and see those little black whiskers. I’ve tried everything I know to get him to rinse them down the sink, but nothing has worked thus far. What do you suggest?

ANSWER: I don’t think you have a case for mental cruelty yet, but I would not underestimate the significance of the whiskers either.

In almost every prolonged relationship, including marriage, there are usually things people do that irritate each other. And just because they appear to be insignificant to others does not mean they will be insignificant to you.

I once had a roommate in college who used to flip his ear while we were studying, and it was highly irritating. Once I had a secretary who had been married just three weeks, and I asked her how everything was going. She said the relationship was going well, and then she paused. “But there is one thing, just one thing he does that I can’t stand. It’s walking into a bathroom and looking down into a toilet.”

And so it goes with most marriages. If couples are honest with each other, they will admit there are usually minor incidents that lead to major annoyances.

What we are describing in marriage is called tremendous trifles. In his book titled “Marriage” Dr. Robert O. Blood Jr. notes, “A tremendous trifle irritates one party but is a mere trifle to the offending one. To outsiders also these often seem trifling – the cap left off the toothpaste, dirty socks on the bedroom floor, or slurped soup. They seem especially trifling to the offender if he is unaware of his behavior.”

Dr. Blood suggests we not underestimate the impact of tremendous trifles in marriage. He observes, “Tremendous trifles cause tremendous damage. When anxiety in the threatened partner explodes in denunciation of the offending spouse, he reciprocates defensively. Conflict and mutual recrimination become chronic if the trouble is literally an everyday affair.”

He then concludes, “The fact that the issue is trifling makes it harder to deal with rationally. Major tragedies call out the best in people, but petty irritants are handled in petty ways.”

There are at least four things one can do about tremendous trifles in a marriage. First, explain to a spouse his or her annoying behavior and ask them to change their habits, which hopefully they will.

Second, segregate the trouble if possible. Buy two toothpaste tubes, and label them “his” and “hers.” Place clothes hampers in strategic places, which hopefully will help the dirty socks or underwear problem. In your case, beat him to the bathroom in the morning, and at least you won’t have to face the whiskers until the day is well underway.

Third, you may try humor if both of you can laugh about the incident. But humor is helpful in a marriage only if it is shared and humorous to both.

And finally, if hubby or wife simply will not or cannot change, you may have to increase your tolerance level of some things and simply learn to be forgiving. Joshua Liebman observed, “Tolerance is the positive and cordial effort to understand another’s beliefs, practices, or habits without necessarily sharing or accepting them.”

After all, if you ask, you will find your husband or wife also has a list of your tremendous trifles which he or she is trying to tolerate in you.