Neglect, Abuse can Kill the Things We Love

Published April 19, 1979. Oscar Wilde once said that “Each man kills the thing he loves,” and the irony of the statement causes much thought. Perhaps in our interaction with people this observation suggests that we often take the greatest liberties with those relationships that are most important to us.

We can “kill” something in one of two ways: (a) an abrupt act of violence (abuse) or (b) failure to provide elements essential for growth (neglect). Both methods are very efficient, with the first being sudden, pronounced, and noticeable. The second method, however, is subtle, prolonged, and difficult to detect. It has been observed that more marital relations die of neglect than of abuse.

Not long ago I heard an elderly man say, “I’ve been married to the same sweet woman for over forty years.” Sweetness is understandable, but “sameness” causes concern. Growth necessitates change, and marriages, to be most meaningful, should provide growth for both the husband and wife. Sameness over a forty-year period suggests little or no growth has occurred.

We may initially be attracted to an individual because of particular things about them, and then we desperately try to hold the person “in place” after marriage. Many husbands and wives equate change with disruption and are upset to learn that Bruce or Betty is “just not the same person anymore.” Rather than cause alarm, it could be a vital sign of growth. We can efficiently kill something by disregarding or retarding change.

Another man boasted that he and his wife had not had a fight in over 30 years of marriage. While newlyweds may stand in awe of this claim, it should be pointed out that such a marriage arises not only from a conflict-free relationship, but also frequently is the result of apathy on the part of either or both marriage partners.

Of all the relationships we encounter, we are perhaps the most vulnerable in a marriage. A husband and wife are psychologically and emotionally naked before each other in a marital relationship, with no pretenses and no facades, because facades erode quickly. One’s true self soon emerges after the wedding ceremony, and both a spouse’s weaknesses and strengths are evident. Marriage brings out the best and the worst in a person.

No one knows a person better than one’s spouse, and this knowledge can be a double-edged sword. It can be used to help a husband or wife become a better person by capitalizing on strengths and overcoming weaknesses. Or, as is sadly and frequently the case, one can focus on a spouse’s weaknesses and soon disregard or ignore his or her strengths.

Thus marriage becomes the proverbial stepping stone – but it can be either a step up or a step down – depending on what is done with the relationship after marriage. Is my spouse a better person because of our marriage? Have I provided for his or her emotional and intellectual growth as well as my own? What could I do to provide for mutual growth and fulfillment in the future?

Perhaps nothing is as sad as that which dies within us while we are still living. Why, then, are we often the most careless with those relationships that are the most meaningful? Why do we kill the things we love?