Needs May Be Few, but Wants Will More than Make Up for That

Published February 1, 1990. Susan and I seem to have constant conversations about family finances. We frequently get on the topics of “wants” vs. “needs.” She says, for instance, that she “needs” a new blue carpet for the kitchen. I skillfully counter that she does not “need” a new blue carpet for the kitchen.

Wants are something you desire. Needs are something you have to have in order to survive. Susan replies that it is academic. A new blue carpet would look nice in the kitchen. And, she adds, she really needs one.

From my background in sociology, I try to explain to Susan during these lively discussions that our wants are unlimited while our needs are relatively few. We could, if necessary, live in a tent, eat porridge, stay warm at night, and survive. Susan listens patiently and then observes that even if we had a tent, a new blue carpet would look nice in the corner where we eat the porridge.

How can I win?

Recently in our “wants” vs. “needs” conversations, she asked me to give her an example of a pure need. I quickly came up with one. I “need” a new stereo for my car. It is essential to survive in my daily travels because the old stereo recently quit working. Susan said perhaps we could stop and look at a new stereo at Checker Auto Parts on the way down to pick up the blue carpet for the kitchen.

Another concern, Susan is always telling me how much money she is saving by buying things on sale. She can “save” us $70 on the new blue carpet if we buy it on sale this week. I point out we are not “saving” $70. We are “spending” $159 (Retail price of $229 less the $70 “savings”). She doesn’t see it that way. To her, we are still saving money.

Bill Cosby has an insight about marital relationships in his recent book, “Love and Marriage.” His observation?  The wife is in charge.  As soon as husbands learn and accept this simple fact, marriages will go much smoother, according to the popular comedian.

I don’t know where the following list originated, but Susan likes it. Here are some “rules” that I should probably consider in my own intriguing and sometimes mysterious marriage:

THE RULES OF MARRIAGE

1.     The wife always makes the rules.

2.     Rules are subject to change at any time without prior consent.

3.     No husband can possibly know all the rules.

4.     If the wife suspects that the husband knows all the rules, she must immediately change some or all of them.

5.     The wife is never wrong.

6.     The wife can change her mind at any given time.

7.     The husband can never change his mind without the express written consent of the wife.

8.     The wife has every right to be angry or upset.

9.     If the wife is wrong, it is because of a flagrant misunderstanding that is a direct result of something the husband did or said.

10. If Rule No. 9 applies, the husband must apologize immediately for causing the misunderstanding.

11. The husband must remain calm at all times, unless the wife wants him to be angry or upset.

12. The wife must not, under any circumstances, allow the husband to know whether or not she wants him to be angry or upset.

Perhaps you have some additional “rules,” written or otherwise, that you abide by in your marriage.