Needed: Idealism Tempered with Realism

Published February 9, 1979. One of the popular myths about marriage has to do with the “seven year itch,” which supposes that husbands and wives experience excessive dissatisfaction with their marriage after that time. Statistics indicate however, that the vast majority of couples who divorce do so during the first or second year of marriage.

Marriage and family life educators and counselors are intrigued as to why an increasing number of marriages are so short. Even among those who do not divorce, many feel disenchanted during the initial stage of marriage stating, ”This is not what we expected in marriage.” This statement in fact may very well be the key to understanding marital disruption, disillusionment, and dissatisfaction in contemporary America.

Two major trends have been noted with expectations about marriage. In the first, people expect too much from marriage. In the second, they expect too little.

While marriage is a fulfilling experience for many Americans, it will not or cannot solve all our  personal problems. The nature of marriage, in fact, means that many new problems must be solved. In addition marriage does not solve, but actually accentuates most major problems present during the engagement periods, and many couples naively marry with the belief that these problems will automatically resolve themselves after marriage. If such problems cannot be dealt with before marriage, it often is best to postpone the wedding until both parties agree the problem has been adequately resolved. Better a pre-marital than a post-marital divorce.

Other people have been known to take their personal or idiosyncratic problems to marriage, hoping that either marriage itself or their intended marriage partner will “make me happy.” Seldom does that happen. People who are consistently unhappy while single often have an equally difficult time finding happiness in marriage. Marriage is not a cure-all for one’s personal problems, but it can be, and apparently is to the majority of married Americans, a very fulfilling and enjoyable relationship. Care should be taken not to impose expectations on a martial relationship that cannot or will not be met.

The other equally interesting trend with marital expectations is that many people expect too little fulfillment in their marriage. Many young Americans today have been noted to have a moderate or even excessive amount of skepticism about a future marriage.

Those of us who encounter such people in counseling or in the classroom find we do not have to “tone down” their expectations as in the previously noted trend, but in actuality we have to help them “tone up” their expectations. Marriage can be much better than they often expect it to be or than they may currently be experiencing in their marital relationship.

The reasons why many people have minimal expectations about marriage are diverse. Perhaps their parents found little happiness or fulfillment in their marriage. Also, divorce, desertion, and disillusionment seem to be the contemporary theme of many relationships portrayed by the mass media.

It should be noted, however, that with all the negative things being said about marriage, 97 percent of Americans still marry, and most, perhaps two-thirds, stay married to the first person they marry. If actions are any indication of attitudes, marriage is still one of the most popular voluntary institutions in America today.

It is likely that these two trends in marital expectations will continue. Many people will continue to expect too much and will likely experience disillusionment as they encounter some of life realities. Others, sadly enough, will continue to expect too little and have less satisfaction in marriage unless they can be shown how their relationship can improve.

One of my students recently wrote in a paper what we need in marriage is idealism tempered with realism. Perhaps she said it best.