Myths, Realities of Remarriage

Published August 2, 1990. Some time ago in this column I noted that second marriages were becoming more common. In nearly half of the current marriages each year in the United States, either the bride or groom, or both, has been previously married. The rate is about 35 percent of the 16,000 marriages that occur each year in Utah. The fact that over 75 percent of divorced people remarry within three to five years is evidence that marriage is still the preferred lifestyle of the majority of adults in both this state and the country.

The July/August issue of Marriage Encounter Magazine has an interesting article titled “The Myths and Realities of Remarriage.” The entire issue is devoted to the topic. In their article Richard Olsen and Carole Della Pia-Terry note we know relatively little about remarriages when compared to the wealth of research and information generated about first marriages. They claim that the lack of information and the subsequent lack of support is detrimental to the growing number of people who marry for the second time.

In their article Olsen and Pia-Terry list six myths and realities about remarriage:

Myth One: “Love is better the second time around” (Remember the old Frank Sinatra song with this theme?)

Reality One: “Love is different the second time around.”

Myth Two: “When the previous marriage is over, it is done and forgotten.”

Reality Two: “Divorce is a continuing relationship between two people previously married. Even when a marriage is terminated by death certain aspects of the relationship continue.”

Myth Three: “I am going to marry you and not your family.”

Reality Three: “When I marry you, I must attempt to deal with all those who touch your life and will ask you to do the same for me.”

Myth Four: “Since I love you I will automatically love your children and they will spontaneously love me.”

Reality Four: “Developing a relationship with the children involved will not be automatic, easy, or may not occur at all. Individual concentrated effort is required.”

Myth Five: “Since we have been married before, we will know how to act in this new marriage.”

Reality Five: “The second marriage and the reconstituted family are unique relationships requiring knowledge and skills not necessarily learned in the first marriage.”

Myth Six: “Remarriage will be easy since we love each other so much. Love will conquer all.”

Reality Six: “Forty percent of all remarriages end in divorce within the first four years.”

In many ways, remarriage requires more insight and preparation than does a first marriage. This article and others in the July/August Marriage Encounter Magazine contain interesting information for couples facing this situation. Olsen and Pia-Terry believe that couples who adequately prepare can build a successful marriage. They conclude, “We believe that one path to remarriage strength is for a couple to face the issues in remarriage; to make their problems and disagreements visible; to look at and affirm their strengths; and to discuss and negotiate their differences.”