Myth: Sex Is Not the Basis of a Good Marriage

October 17, 1985. I had the opportunity to talk to a young couple not long ago. They had been married five years, had two children, and were getting along quite well in their marriage. That is, in all areas except one. The sexual aspect of their marriage.

The young wife said she just tolerated sex and that was about it. She said she didn’t enjoy it that much and could do without it if necessary. The only reasons for any participation in the sexual relationship, she said, was her husbands seemingly preoccupation with it and her commitment to “be a good wife.”

Both husband and wife, however, felt their marriage was on a downhill slide because of her indifference to sex. She felt guilty because she didn’t desire it. And he felt badly because he believed he was imposing his interest and physical desires on her. They felt their marriage was doomed because of their inability to find sexual compatibility.

After we had chatted awhile, it became evident to me that they had bought the Madison Avenue and “men’s magazines” pitch of the role of sex in relationships. The media often portrays sex as the fuel of love relationships. In actuality it may only be an accelerant.

Several years ago I took a course on marriage and family from a professor I grew to admire and respect. One day in class he asked the question, “Is it possible to have sex without love?” The answer seemed obvious. Of course. Everyone knew and admitted we can become sexually and even romantically involved with people we don’t even like, let alone know. We talked about prostitution, “pickups,” and other relationships that often begin and revolve around one point of interest. Sexual fulfillment. The answer from the class was unanimous. Sex without love is possible.

The professor then asked a second and more profound question “Is it possible to have love without sex?” We were all taken back by the question. No one said anything for a few moments. Then, to ease the tension, one young man said. “It may be possible, but in marriage who’d want it that way?” There were a few chuckles and then again, silence. The question had never been considered by young men and women about to marry.

To answer his second question, the professor related to a situation of which he was aware. A husband and wife were in their middle-years when they discovered she was terminally ill. The nature of her illness toward the end of her life made sex, as commonly defined, difficult if not impossible.

The professor asked, “Do you think they still loved each other toward the end of her life?’ We all agreed that they probably did.

“But what about the sexual part of the relationship?” The teacher probed, “It literally became impossible, but,” he continued. “they were very intimate, very close , very much together toward the end of her life. More so in many ways than at anytime previous in their marriage.”

Having broadened our concept of sex and intimacy, he concluded, as did we, that “Love without sex (as commonly defined) is also possible.”

I shared this story with the young couple. I agreed that sex is an important way to be close, intimate, and share love. I encouraged them to continue to nurture that part of their relationship. But I also suggested a marriage need not and should not be confined or defined only by the sexual dimension. There are many other ways to be loving and caring. Passion simply adds to the flame kindled by love and kindness.

One of the great myths, I believe, in contemporary marriage is that sex is the basis of a good marriage. Granted, it is one of many critically important factors. It is love, however, that is the fuel that keeps marriages functioning. Sex is only the accelerant. Simply put, sex is but the lighter fluid while love is the charcoal that keeps marital relationships aglow.