Wives and Self-Esteem

Published October 3, 1979. One of the critical issues in marriage today relates to self-esteem and marriage. Most marriage counselors and family life educators would agree on at least two things: Firstly, we each are basically responsible for our own self-esteem and how we feel about ourselves. Secondly, we are tremendously influenced in that perception by how we think others perceive us.

Perhaps no one knows us better than our spouse, and the insights our spouse has about us can be used in a positive way, or, as is often the case, it can be used to undermine our self-esteem and integrity.

In his book “What Wives Wish Their Husbands Knew About Women,” Dr. James Dobson, Family Specialist at the University of Southern California School of Medicine, has reported that low self-esteem is a major problem facing women in America today. He asked more than 10,000 women to respond to a simple questionnaire, and 50 percent reported low self-esteem to be their number one problem. Over 80 percent of the women listed low self-esteem to be among their top five.

Dr. Dobson notes, “This finding is perfectly consistent with my own observations and expectations; even in seemingly healthy and happily married young women, personal inferiority and self-doubt cut the deepest and leave the most wicked scars.” Dr. Dobson continues, “Feelings of inadequacy, lack of confidence, and a certainty of worthlessness have become a way of life, or too often, a way of despair for millions of American women.”

Marriage counselors have become acutely aware that husbands and wives can often contribute to a spouse’s low self-esteem. If married people want to belittle each other, they know the pet words, the old jokes, the hackneyed phrases, all of which can rattle a spouse on cue.

Married couples know what to say and when, if we choose to do so, to hurt each others’ feelings and thereby lower self-esteem.

But on the positive side, we can all learn to build our spouse’s self-esteem if we desire. If Dr. Dobson’s findings are correct, this is particularly important for husbands to learn to do. But how do we do it?

Writing on this topic, Dr. Carlfred Broderick, marriage counselor, also from the University of Southern California, noted in his recent book “Marriage And the Family,” “Both research and experience show us there are many things one can do directly to help increase a partner’s sense of worth. Some techniques are so well-known that it is almost embarrassing to recount them here: a compliment, a non-demanding touch, an appreciative look, a smile. Perhaps one might add remembering important things, avoiding hurtful or sensitive areas, and paying attention when the other person is talking. Yet despite the almost universal awareness of the power and value of these gestures, they are missing altogether from many relationships and exceeding rare in many more.”

As to why these techniques are lacking in so many marriages, Dr. Broderick believes that many young people never saw them used in their parents’ home. Others, he states, may withhold these gestures with cynical and manipulative approaches to marital relationships. They may also hold back from building the esteem of a spouse to be in the advantage of the “one-up” position.

Or, Dr. Broderick points out, they may feel it an advantage to build up a partner’s esteem only later to reveal that they never meant any of it and thereby contribute to their own and later their spouse’s cynicism.

“Whatever the reason for the absence of genuine positives in a relationship,” according to Dr. Broderick, “it is a true principle that no union will prosper without them.

Dr. Dobson concludes in his book, “If I could write a prescription for the women of the world, I would provide each of them with a healthy dose of self-esteem and personal worth taken three times a day until the symptoms disappear.” Perhaps we, as husbands, could help administer that dosage regularly and thereby make marriage much more meaningful for our wives and, consequently, for ourselves

“Man,” said Arnold Tynbee, “is astonishingly good at dealing with the physical world, but he is just as astonishingly bad at dealing with human nature.” By giving a little more thought and effort, perhaps we could become equally proficient at both.