Wishing Good Marriage

Published January 1, 1981. How many times have you caught yourself saying or thinking, “I wish my wife or husband would . . .” Or, have you ever asked yourself during your marriage, “I wonder if he or she wants me too . . . ?”

On this matter, Dr. Carlfred Broderick, noted marriage counselor from the University of Southern California, has recently observed, “We can continue for years doing things or failing to do things without realizing that they are hurtful to our partners. Often however, small changes in our behavior, changes that actually cost us very little, can mean a great deal to our marriage partner.”

Rather than just wishing and wondering our life away, Dr. Broderick has a suggestion. In his recent book “Couples,” he tells us how we can make Wish Lists.

The first step is for both husband and wife to make a list of wished for changes in their spouse’s behavior. In making Wish Lists Dr. Broderick suggests both marriage partners write down three or four specific changes that a spouse could accomplish in seven days.

Each wish should refer to something the spouse does rather than something he or she is. For example, one partner might write, “I wish you would cut down on between-meal snacks,” and not write, “I wish you weren’t so fat.”

Another suggestion for writing Wish Lists is that desired changes are specific and concrete rather than vague or general. A wife, for example, might write as some of her wishes, “I wish you would talk to me 15 minutes a day without the interruption of TV or children.” Rather than, “I wish we could communicate better.” Each item on the Wish Lists should include behavior that is observable, so there is never any question whether or not change has occurred.

After both husband and wife have made a Wish List they should exchange what they have written. Both lists are then discussed to see if they are understood and the rules have been followed.

As an illustration, one husband’s Wish List contained the following for items (1) I wish you would spend more time taking better care of the house; (2) I wish you’d quit yelling at our three-year-old daughter; (3) I wish you would be more affectionate in bed; and (4) I wish you’d pick up your dirty clothes and put them in the hamper.

After both Wish Lists have been written and are understood, the couple should then proceed to the next step of negotiation. In the negotiating phase a husband and wife simply agree on what they can or will do on each other’s list. One partner may be willing to work on just two of the-the other’s four wishes if he or she will be willing to do just one in return.

The negotiating should be done in a playful, competitive, and hopefully zestful manner. And the husband and wife may want to do some bargaining. One husband agreed to do everything on his wife’s Wish List, if she would only agree not to nag him for the next seven days. Both were equally happy with the arrangement.

If desired, husbands and wives can also negotiate penalties if either violates their original agreement.  Such penalties should be minor and even fun. One wife agreed to bake his favorite pie if she did not follow through, and he agreed to buy her a new sweater if she failed to live up to what he said he would do. After seven days the Wish Lists can continue to be negotiated or discontinued according to the preference of the couple.

If you make Wish Lists with your spouse and find it worthwhile, I’d like to hear from you. Other similar experiences could be included in future columns.