The Three R’s of Infidelity

Published November 22, 1979. When a couple marries in the United States it is implied in the wedding vows that they will “forsake all others.” It is also explicit or implied that this means forgoing any sexual relationship with any other person except a husband or wife. The question has recently arisen as to how many married people actually live up to this marital vow?

Thirty years ago, Dr. Alfred Kinsey reported his findings on sexual behavior. He found that approximately 50 percent of the husbands and 75 percent of the wives in his sample indicated they were sexually monogamous or did not participate in extra-marital sex. Put another way, however, he found that 50 percent of the husbands and 25 percent of the wives had, at that time, experienced sex with someone other than a spouse after marriage.

Not everyone agrees with the Kinsey studies; some think the statistics were high and others now think they are low. Dr. Paul Gebhard, an associate of Kinsey’s, recently noted, “If I were to make an educated guess as to the cumulative incidence figures (of extramarital sex), they’d be about 60 percent for males and 35-40 percent for females.”

After reviewing the numerous reports and statistics on extramarital involvement, sociologist Morton Hunt has observed, “What is much more significant, there continues to exist a vast underground of good middle-class citizens who overtly accept the code but in fact secretly disagree with, and violate, one or more parts of it.”

Whatever the trends and statistics may be, enough married people are involved to raise another interesting question. How do couples who originally commit themselves to “forsake all others” become sexually involved with other people?

In his recent book titled “Couples,” Dr. Carlfred Broderick, marriage counselor from the University of Southern California, notes, “Over the years I have listened to the explanations of dozens of individuals who, despite such a commitment for fidelity, found themselves involved in adulterous relationships. Again and again, their stories revolved around three issues which I have come to think as the 3 R’s of infidelity:  Resentment, Rationalization and Rendezvous.

Resentment. Dr. Broderick reports that most married couples who become involved in infidelity are resentful in one way or another toward their spouse. Typically, they have not found a way to adequately deal with marital problems or resentments. The marriage counselor notes that the single preventative for infidelity “is a developed and well-oiled mechanism for dealing with strain in the marriage.”

A frequent source of resentment in marriage comes from the sexual relationship itself. Too often people enter marriage with high expectations, realistic or not. When these go unfilled over an extended period of time, resentment builds. Dr. Broderick suggests a married person then becomes a prime candidate for seeking a new relationship to find what they believe to be lacking in the present one.

Rationalization. If a married person committed to fidelity becomes involved outside of marriage, it necessitates some degree of rationalization. He or she first of all may simply deny or refuse to acknowledge the possibility of getting involved. A wife may flirt with another man and yet tell herself and others it means nothing. Or, states Broderick, a husband may be high on drugs or alcohol, become uninhibited, and deny anything could or will happen when it already is occurring.

But Dr. Broderick reports the most interesting form of rationalization is involved with virtue rather than vice. He notes, “I am convinced that more people get themselves into the pain of infidelity through empathy, concern and compassion than through a base motive . . . With a little help form rationalization, sympathy leads smoothly into tenderness, the tenderness to the need for privacy, the privacy to physical consolation, and the consolation straight to bed.”

Rendezvous. A rendezvous is a meeting or an appointment to meet, and infidelity depends on rendezvous if it is to occur. But Dr. Broderick suggests there are some intermediate steps.

Most extramarital relationships begin, interestingly enough, as friendships and “just happen.” Two people meet at unplanned places as work, parties, or the like. From these unstructured meetings they proceed to systematic associations which appear to be legitimate. There are more frequent meetings at work or parties. Husbands and company secretaries find excuses to be together for lunch “for business reasons,” or two neighbors find their friendship escalating, and one finally invites the other over when the spouse is gone.

A house guest often, in times, turns into a sexual host. A wife and fellow male student may find they have more in common than a college course. A husband and a female co-worker on a youth committee find they spend hours planning together, but their planning eventually goes beyond summer camp.

From these systematic associations, couples then plan for and seek a private or secret rendezvous so often associated with infidelity. And that is usually when it occurs. Dr. Broderick concludes, “If you (as a married person) find yourself in a situation involving a delicious privacy with an attractive member of the opposite sex, you should begin to look for ways to restructure the situation. No doubt you will think of a dozen reasons why it is unreasonable to go out of your way to avoid perfectly legitimate and innocent companionship, but then that may simply mean you need to review the 3 R’s of infidelity one more time.”