The Search Is On: Where Are the Real Men?

Published April 10, 1986. I have been reading an interesting book the past few days. It is titled “Delivering the Male” and was written by Clayton Barbeau, a practicing psychotherapist in San Francisco. Dr. Barbeau claims contemporary men have some unpractical role models which hinder them from functioning in today’s society.

The California counselor claims we need real men in our neighborhoods and communities. But who are they? How would they be identified? We have many contests during the year. We often recognize the most beautiful of the young women, or give some recognition for patriotic writing or speeches. Occasionally, we will give recognition to women, young and old, as mother-of-the year.

But how about men? Other than athletic skills, business endeavors, or church positions, what recognition do we give to men? Perhaps we need a Man-of-the-Year Contest to recognize the men in our communities. If you were on the selection committee, who would you select as the “real men?”

Dr. Barbeau gives some of his ideas of manliness and manhood. He notes: “I would define men as those persons who, whatever their experiences of the masculine mystique, have chosen to avoid the stereotypical male role as well as that of the ‘boy.’ Having seen fit to take charge of their own lives, they assume responsibility for themselves, their feelings, their personal goals and desires. They seek clarity with themselves, first of all. They tend to be in touch with their own needs and wants. They are willing to express their feelings and will risk themselves in encounters with those around.”

“Men confront the woman they’ve married or have just met not as inferior, not as servants to their needs nor as potential validation of their manhood or a replacement for mother, but as a unique human being whose mystery is inexhaustible. Men do not experience sexuality as some extension of the football field or battlefield but as a further means of sharing themselves with one they love. A man knows that such sharing in sexual knowledge with another – just as with all self-disclosure or self-gifting – cannot even begin to take place save in a context of trust and mutual caring.”

He continues, “The male world has for too long been structured as a world without tenderness, without sensitivity, without caring, without tears, without the freedom to express honest emotions spontaneously. In short, the male world has been a world without love. The ‘boy’s’ world, by contrast, is structured around the passive dependency of someone unwilling to enter the adult world of accepting responsibility for the creation of his own life, or someone seeking only to be cared for and nourished by the mother figure he married or by anyone else who is willing to assume responsibility (and blame) for his life.”

Dr. Barbeau concludes, “The times demand that our boys grow up to be men. The day has come for males to quit playing the old roles and to take off their masks. The world is crying out for more men and to engage in the work of men: building up the community of love.”