The Right to Say ‘No’

Published March 25, 1982. I received the following letter a few days ago that should be of interest to others.

Dear Dr. Barlow:

Would you address a subject in your column that is causing problems in my marriage, has for years, and I am finding it more difficult to deal with. For years I thought it was just a problem for me, but a recent conversation convinced me otherwise.

Is a wife supposed to make love with her husband whenever he wants, regardless of how she is feeling about the matter?

Although my husband and I have good sexual experiences together often, this is a constant source of frustration for us. If there are times when I am emotionally not capable of responding sexually, he becomes upset and sulks for days. This in turn, makes me so upset that I can hardly stand it. Don’t I have feelings too? I don’t get upset with him if I want to make love and he doesn’t feel up to it.

When I tell him how I feel, he just tells me that there would be no problems if I would get rid of the stupid idea that I have the right to refuse. He also says he hopes that our daughters will be taught correctly before they enter marriage.

Frankly, I resent this attitude and am so angry right now I wonder how I can keep coping in the relationship. I never know when the problem will arise. Sometimes I don’t even know that I have turned down an invitation until I receive the punishment of silence and sulky behavior.

(Letter from Salt Lake City, Unsigned)

Response: It is difficult to comment in just a few paragraphs, but I will make a few observations. You indicate there are often times of good sexual experiences together. This suggests there are positive aspects of your marriage that others might envy. I do not think, however, that any relationship, including marriage, allows anyone the right to make repeated demands on another person without considering his or her feelings and opinions.

People should take part in making decisions that affect them as individuals, and this obviously includes the sexual part of marriage. Yes, we do have the right to refuse repeated demands, which we deem to be unreasonable.

If you don’t feel physically or emotionally capable when the request, or “invitation” as you put it, is made, perhaps you could indicate interest but suggest another time you feel might be appropriate.

I am concerned that your husband thinks it is a stupid idea that you have the right to refuse. I am equally concerned that your daughters may be taught that they have no right to make decisions, particularly sexual ones, that directly affect them.

I like to think that sex is something we share in marriage rather than something we take from or give to each other. And both partners should have an equal opportunity and responsibility in the say-so as to when that should or should not occur. Sex is not a man’s prerogative and a woman’s duty. That philosophy went out with Model T’s and high button shoes.

It was Havelock Ellis who noted, “Sexual pleasure, wisely used and not abused, may prove the stimulus and liberator of our finest and most exalted activities.”

I trust this may be so in all marriages including your own.

If others have additional comments on this topic, I’d like to hear from you.