Weighty Marital Matters

Published December 6, 1979. Most husbands and wives go through a periodic “Dump The Plump” campaign where one or both try to lose weight. For some it seems to be an ongoing process while for others it is an on-again, off-again syndrome.

There are numerous programs and gimmicks available for dieters, as evidenced by a quick glance at the advertising sections of newspapers and magazines or the yellow pages of the phone book.

Have you ever stopped to think, however, that a husband’s or wife’s weight may be related to their marital relationship?

An acquaintance once told me he was having a difficult time losing 15 pounds because his wife wanted him to put on 15 pounds. It seemed that she was threatened by his anticipated weight loss because it would make her, the non-dieter, look proportionately larger when they were seen together.

My friend was apparently losing the battle of the bulge, since his wife was more than willing to keep him supplied with cookies, potato chips, and evening meals consisting of large quantities of pizza or tacos.

It is highly unlikely that a husband can lose weight without the cooperation or encouragement of his wife, considering the fact that women purchase 90 percent and prepare at least 80 percent of the food men eat.

Unless a husband is willing to buck tradition and become more involved in food purchase and preparation, his weight is at the mercy of his wife’s shopping whims and cooking habits. Today’s prepackaged and processed foods are often much more fattening and convenient than taking the time to purchase and prepare less calorie laden foods.

There is also the phenomenon when a wife experiences a significant weight gain, and her husband tells her to take it off or else. Not knowing what the “or else” entails, many wives go on a frantic campaign to supposedly lose weight and hopefully save the relationship and possibly the marriage. Little do most husbands realize that there is an inverse correlation between how frequently he asks his wife what she weighs and the actual weight loss. The more frequently he asks, the less she is inclined to lose.

There may be, however, deep-seated psychological reasons for being overweight. There are instances where a wife is either afraid of sex in marriage or has become nonchalant about the relationship. Because of the American males’ preoccupation with physique in women, several extra pounds on a woman may make her less sexually desirable, by design, to her husband. There are cases where women were sexually abused or assaulted as children and are so terrified of sex as adults, they work hard to stay overweight, so they never will have to confront the possibility of a sexual relationship with a male.

In her recent book “People Around You Can Make You Fat,” Dr. Lee Headley, Los Angeles therapist, also notes:

I have observed it to be rather typical in marriage situations to find an overweight woman married to a man who was seemingly calm, competent, and secure. Looking at such a marriage from the outside, it seemed that the overweight woman was lucky to have a husband like that, and it appeared that she was quiet dependent on him.

Looking at the marriage from the inside,” Dr. Headley continues, “the husband was often not nearly as secure and self-operating as he seemed, and needed to have a woman who would always be there for him because she had no other option. He was often as uncertain of himself as she was of herself, perhaps more so.

Although a couple may never talk about what really goes on, the overweight woman may realize that thinness would jeopardize her husband’s security as well as her own, and since she feels responsible for him, she may hesitate to upset the whole apple cart by getting thin.

Sometimes the involvement of a spouse is a hindrance to a dieter. For example, a husband or wife may try to help by acting as a coach who observes every detail of behavior and makes frequent suggestions how the dieter could improve. This mode of involvement, however, frequently leads to resentment by the dieter.

A spouse could try to be a referee who blows the whistle at every infraction of a weight loss rule. He or she could act as a scorekeeper and keep a daily record of every pound lost or gained and call it to the attention of the dieting spouse.

But a spouse best assists a husband or wife trying to lose weight by being a cheerleader at the sidelines applauding the efforts of the dieter. Cheerleaders often do the most good when the game is not going too well. A little encouragement may do much more good than constantly reminding a spouse of his or her inability to succeed.