Wedding Doesn’t Make a Marriage

Published May 15, 1980. 

QUESTION: My wife and I have been married almost a year now and keep waiting for something exciting to happen. But it never does.

Where is all the ecstatic joy and fulfillment that is supposed to come with marriage? Have we missed something along the way, or are we unrealistic in our expectations?

ANSWER: Not knowing exactly what you expect or have experienced in marriage, I can’t really say. But your comment about waiting for it to happen triggers a thought: In marriage, the rewards are commensurate with the efforts. In essence, you get what you work for.

Dr. David Mace and his wife Vera, founders of ACME, Association of Couples for Marital Enrichment, have co-authored a book, “How to Have a Happy Marriage.” In it they give a word of caution to newlyweds. They note, “A wedding is not a marriage. A wedding marks the beginning of a relationship that may or may not develop into a marriage. Not all do.”

They continue, “The fact that about a million couples get divorced each year testifies eloquently to this fact. All of them had a wedding, but they finally decided that they had been unable to achieve a marriage.”

The Maces also observe, “If a wedding is not a marriage, and the making of a marriage is a long and complex task, then obviously the first essential for a successful marriage is a solemn commitment on the part of the couple to ongoing growth. Until husband and wife have looked into each other’s eyes and solemnly declared to each other that they will work together to the utmost of their powers to create a deep, rich, satisfying relationship of intimacy and love – until this decisive event takes place, you can’t reasonably expect a marriage to develop out of  a wedding.”

The Maces give an illustration.

Suppose, as a married couple, you had a great ambition to have a beautiful garden, a place of peace and serenity with tall trees, shrubs, lawns, and flowers. What if you had the plot of grounds and tools and then took your lawn chairs and sat down on your piece of land and waited together for your garden. How long would you have to wait?

Waiting alone would not bring it about. You would have to learn about soil chemistry, about suitable plants and the art of arranging and planting. You would have to devote time and hard work along with learning new sills. And you’d have to keep this up for months and even years.

But if you did all this, one day you both would have your garden which you could enjoy and invite others to come and see. So it is with marriage. Just because we say “I do” we expect it all to happen in some miraculous way not realizing that it also takes time, hard work, and learning new skills over an extended period of time.

This idea was beautifully expressed in a poem years ago by an Englishwoman, Jan Struther. She wrote:

The raw materials of love are yours

Fond hearts, and lusty blood, and minds in tune:

And so, dear innocents, you think yourselves

Lovers full-blown.
Am I, because I own
Chisel, mallet and stone,
A sculptor? And must he
Who hears a skylark and can hold a pen
A poet be?
If neither’s so, why then
You’re not yet lovers. But in time to come
(If senses grow not dulled nor spirit dumb)
By constant exercise of skill and wit,
By patient toll and judgment exquisite
Of body, mind and heart,
You may, my innocents, fashion
This tenderness, this liking, and this passion
Into a work of art.