Observation on Honeymoons

Published January 3, 1980.
QUESTION: My husband and I recently returned from our honeymoon, and it was unfulfilling to say the least. Is this common and does it mean anything about the future of our marriage?

ANSWER: Not knowing exactly what did or did not happen, it is difficult to say. I presume you are referring to your sexual relationship, or the apparent lack of it.

You may be consoled by the statement of Mark Twin who once noted that “On the typical honeymoon, the second biggest disappointment is the Niagara Falls.” With tongue in cheek the American humorist raised a serious question about a sensitive issue. Allow me to make a few observations.

If the honeymoon immediately follows the wedding, which it usually does, many newly married couples are simply exhausted. The wedding day in and of itself is a hectic time which may lead to a hectic wedding night. Both fatigue and emotional pressures do little to facilitate sexual interaction.

Another observation is that many newly married couples begin a honeymoon with excessive expectations of what their sexual fulfillment will be. In their recent book “Modern Marriage,” Dr. Henry Bowman and Dr. Graham Spanier note, “Many young couples expect to experience the equivalent of the San Francisco earthquake the first time they have sex. If, as is usual, the experience is a shade milder, many head for the nearest technical manual to see what they are doing wrong. It takes time to develop a full sexual adjustment. One cannot learn all there is to know about sex in a fleeting, abbreviated episode.”

Still another observation is that many married couples have experienced sexual relationships prior to marriage, so sexuality during the honeymoon is not a new experience for them. For those who wait for marriage, however, the honeymoon  presents another “first” and there may be a few awkward moments. This is particularly true if one, usually the male, is in a hurry. Sex is never an emergency.

Dr. Bowman and Dr. Spanier also observe, “In developing a new skill or new art, the novice makes many errors. In learning to walk, skate, play tennis, swim, drive a golf ball, or bid a bridge hand, we perpetrate so many mistakes that after mastering the necessary technique, we look back in embarrassment at the immensity of our previous ignorance and the magnitude of our original awkwardness. We do not let our mistakes defeat us: nor do we stop with them.”

The authors conclude that a newly married couple in many instances are novices confronted with the problem of learning a new skill. They are almost certain to make mistakes at first. They may feel that their ignorance is stupendous and their clumsiness colossal. They need not leap to conclusions and defeat themselves.

They may learn by their mistakes. With patience, understanding, intelligence, self-analysis, an ample amount of love, and a liberal sprinkling of a sense of humor, errors may be corrected. Each successful act of intercourse plays a part in conditioning both husband and wife, so their success in the future becomes easier. Hence care, patience, perspective, and a will to succeed pay large dividends.

While disappointing honeymoons are experienced for various reasons, the majority of newly married couples report enjoying their honeymoon even though problems may occur. As to the future of your sexual relationship, you apparently have something to look forward to.

A recent survey of over 100,000 readers of Redbook Magazine found that most couples who have been married for several years report a satisfying sex life. About 23 percent rated the sexual aspect of their marriage as “very good” and another 34 percent as “good.” Thus two-thirds of those reporting were satisfied with their sexual interaction. Only 21 percent rated the sexual relationship as “fair” and the remaining 12 percent stated it was either “poor” or “very poor.” So the odds for sexual fulfillment are in your favor. Don’t give up, and continue to learn together.