Long-Distance Romances

Published May 29, 1980.

QUESTION: I met a young woman while attending college this semester, and I like her a lot. It appears that she likes me as well. Our only problem is that in a few weeks she will be going back east for the summer, and I will be going to California for summer employment. How can we keep our relationship going during the summer, so we can pick it up again next fall when we return back to college?

ANSWER: What you are asking is how to keep a long-distance romance going without seeing each other. It is an interesting aspect of college romances how love relationships tend to evolve around the semester calendar with the periodic breaks and separations. Your problem, however, is a common one and a situation most couples encounter in one form or another during the dating period. We might call it taking a break from love.

As stated in previous columns, I strongly feel that prolonged separations do little, if any good in building bonds between couples. To repeat the often quoted statement, “Absence makes the heart grow fonder . . . for someone else,” or “Absence makes the heart go wander.” Take your pick.

I have advised many young couples not to marry immediately after a prolonged separation. Relationships can become distorted in letters, and people change over time. I think it is wise for a couple to spend some time together after a separation to make sure the relationship is at least where it was when they parted or to determine that the relationship is now where both of them think it is.

Since your relationship appears to be in the beginning stages, you ought to realize that love and choosing a spouse both are highly competitive. If someone appeals to you, they likely will appeal to others as well. So if you like her and feel she is reciprocating, make the most of the situation. You can be competitive without being overbearing.

If she is more than a friend to you, tell her so when you part for the summer. Tell her you have enjoyed going with her and look forward to seeing her again next semester, fall, or whenever the opportunity arises. You might also indicate a willingness to keep in touch by writing, which would require exchanging addresses. I might even hint at a slight twinge of jealousy that she will possibly (probably) be dating others during the summer.

In addition to writing, I would suggest you contact each other periodically by phone. This need not be excessive or expensive. If possible, I would even make arrangements to see each other halfway through the summer if either of you can afford to fly or drive the distance. Remember that the rewards usually correspond with the investments in love, as elsewhere.

Once you have made your intentions known, there is little else you can do, unless you are willing to ask for a semi commitment not to date others during the absence. If you really care for her, it might be worth the risk of asking her to do this. If you both agree, you have taken a rather serious step toward marriage.

When you say your good-byes, remember what one student wrote to a young man she had been dating for several months. During a prolonged separation she concluded a letter by saying, “Your absence is more than I can bear alone.”

The best of luck with your summer love.