The Conjugal Relationship

Published May 1, 1980.

QUESTION: My husband and I are deeply committed Christians and have tried to build our marriage and home on Christian ideals. We have three wonderful children, participate in our church functions regularly, and often pray together as a family. We also frequently read the Bible.

Our only major problem in marriage is our sexual relationship. For years I have been taught that sex is mostly for reproduction. It has always seemed to be a drudgery to be endured. I don’t enjoy it and even resent it. What is the status of sex in a Christian marriage?

ANSWER: I have always been impressed with the Reverend Billy Graham. The evangelist addressed this topic in an article titled “What The Bible Says About Sex.” He states, “The Bible celebrates sex and its proper use, presenting it as God-created, God proclaimed, and God blessed. It makes plain that God himself implanted the physical magnetism between the sexes for two reasons: for the propagation of the human race and for the expression of that kind of love between man and wife that makes for true oneness. His command to the first man and woman to be ‘one flesh’ was as important as his command to ‘be fruitful and multiply.’

Graham concludes, “The Bible makes plain that evil, when related to sex, means not the use of something corrupt but the misuse of something pure and good. It teaches clearly that sex can be a wonderful servant but a terrible master; that it can be a creative force more powerful than any other in the fostering of love, championship, and happiness; or it can be the most destructive of all of life’s forces.”

Professor Jay E. Adams of the Westminister Technology Seminary in Philadelphia has written a book called “Christian Living in the Home.” He, too, addressed the topic of sexuality in a Christian marriage and notes, “There is nothing wrong with sex, and marriage, indeed, is the proper framework for the expression of it.”

He continues, “Sex, according to scripture, is not evil itself but only when it is misused. It is never to be used outside of the covenant bond. It should be used  only within the structure God has so ordained. God strongly encourages sexual relationships in marriage.”

Adams explains that sex was not intended to be self-oriented but rather partner-oriented. The most enjoyable aspect of a sexual relationship, according to Professor Adams, is not that personal pleasure derived but rather the pleasure of satisfying one’s marriage partner. In fact, husbands and wives are encouraged to satisfy their partners by not withholding sex or using it as a bargaining tool.

Professor Adams concludes that sexual relations involve giving oneself freely and fully in love to the other in order to fulfill the other’s needs. Scripture is very plain about the sexual obligations of marriage.

The biblical passages to which Dr. Adams is referring are found in 1^st Corinthians 7:2-5. To the married Christian couples living in Corinth, Paul admonished that because of the temptation of immorality, each man should have his own wife and each woman her own husband.

Paul stated, as translated in the English Standard Version of the Bible, “The husband should give to his wife her conjugal (sexual) rights, and likewise the wife to her husband. For the wife does not rule over her own body, but the husband does, likewise the husband does not rule over his own body, but the wife does.

The apostle then counseled do not refuse one another conjugal or sexual rights except perhaps by agreement for a season that you may devote yourselves to prayer, but then come together again lest Satan tempt you through lack of self-control.

This is one of the most positive and healthy statements I have read anywhere regarding sexual relationships in marriage. Surely it has implications for all married couples, Christian or not.

While we often view sex as something which makes sinners out of saints, perhaps, rightly perceived, it could help sinners become saints. Havelock Ellis wrote that sexual pleasure, wisely used and not abused, may prove to be a stimulus and liberator, one of our finest and most exalted activities.