The Memo Method Aids Communication

Published February 12, 1981. Although we all speak our native language with reasonable clarity, it is a simple fact that the most difficult communication in the world is between husband and wife.

In their book “Marriage and the Memo Method,” Dr. Paul Hauck and Dr. Edmund Kean observe, “If you do not know what your spouse is talking about, you are not going to understand what problems you face. Nor will you know how to deal with them. It is therefore, extremely important for you to learn how to communicate your feelings and frustrations to your mate and for your mate to communicate his or hers to you. But this is an extremely difficult thing to do.”

The authors note that the easiest way to communicate is by speaking. But husbands and wives often fail to verbalize their thoughts and feelings because relatively few partners want to listen. And when they do listen, they often ignore or do not believe what they are being told. In addition, as husbands and wives talk, numerous non-verbal messages are often sent which confuse or distort the one being sent by words.

To help facilitate communication in marriage, Hauck and Kean outline The Memo Method, which is simply a structured way to write down one’s feelings and thoughts and share them with a partner. “Written notes,” they claim, “made about grievances in the absence of the partner will attain greater objectivity than an emotional face-to-face confrontation.”

The object of The Memo Method is to make husbands and wives think before they write down a thought, suggestion, or complaint. “Nothing is more patient,” the authors claim, “than paper. Written and read in solitude, without interference of personalities, problems are stated much more objectively and less irritably.”

Here is the three-step format of The Memo Methods.

1. On a separate sheet of paper write the word PROBLEM in the upper-left-hand corner. Then in as clear and concise a manner as possible, state the problem. Try to limit it to one or two sentences.
2. Once the problem has been stated, start another paragraph and write the word CAUSES in the left-hand margin. Under this heading list the ways both of you act or the things you say that contribute to the identified problem.
3. After the causes have been identified, the most important step of all is proposed SOLUTIONS. Write this word in the left-hand margin and list all the possibilities that you feel both you and your spouse can do to clear up the problem.

After you have completed these three steps, give your paper to your spouse. Allow him or her to read your thoughts when you are not present. Then your husband or wife should follow the same three steps and respond in writing to your stated problem with alternative causes and solutions.

Now the stage is set to get together and, through discussion, see if you agree on the problem. Both should also accept responsibility for what he or she is or has been doing to contribute to the problem. Then you should jointly agree on what might be done individually and as a couple to alleviate or modify the problem.

If there is something in your marital relationship that you have found difficult to verbally express to your spouse, why not try The Memo Method? Write down your thoughts and feelings and allow your spouse to read them before you initiate a discussion. By so doing your ability to communicate more effectively should be enhanced.

And if you do so at night, be prepared to stay up for a few hours. “Good communication,” stated Anne Morrow Lindberg, “is as stimulating as black coffee, and just as hard to sleep after.”