The 4 Levels of Personal Communication

Published October 3, 1985. The story is told of two hardened prisoners who were locked together in a small prison cell for several years. During their years of imprisonment they got along fairly well, had relatively few conflicts, and endured the prison terms together. When one prisoner was about to be released, he was interviewed and questioned by the prison warden. Much to the surprise of the prison official, the prisoner being released knew very little, practically nothing, about his fellow cell mate. They had lived together in a small cell of just a few cubic feet for years and exchanged just enough information with each other to get by. Even though they had spent tens of thousands of hours together, they scarcely knew anything about the personal lives of each other, their backgrounds, or their feelings.

The analogy may not be appropriate for contemporary marriage. But then again, it may. Many marriage partners feel just because they live with and are around each other for hours on end, they will get to know each other. Often they don’t because they are prisoners of a different sort. They are prisoners in that each person confines him or herself to their own thoughts, feelings, and ideas.

Contrast these types of prisoners with people who meet on an airplane for just a few hours. Within a short period of time they have often conveyed more to each other, about each other than they have with any other acquaintances, including a spouse. The observation? The actual amount of time a couple spends together is no measurement of their ability to communicate with each other.

Sometimes we assume that merely exchanging information is communication. And in a way it is. Exchanging information is essential for our well-being and our survival. But, as noted, most people are more interested in what they personally have to say than they are of others. Everyone wants to be senders, and relatively few want to be receivers. And when we do speak to one other it is usually on one of four different levels: (1) Things, (2) People, (3) Ideas, and (4) Feelings.

Most of our “conversations” deal with levels one and two. Things and People. These are the safest areas and take the least amount of involvement. We talk about the weather, the ballgame, the yard, the garden, neighbors, friends, children, and relatives because everyone usually has something to say about these two areas. But it is much more difficult to move to levels three and four, Ideas and Feelings, with other people, including a marriage partner. But it is usually the discussion of these latter two areas that forms the greater bonds between people. Discussion about things and people usually do not.

The need for husbands and wives to constantly keep in contact with each other through communication is expressed in the poem “Tapestry “ by Cheryl Ploetz:

Love can be a tapestry, each one original, each one unique,

Threads are spun by faith and trust, their strength measured.

Colors added brilliantly in some, drab subtles in others, perhaps a beautiful blend.

Patterns often repeated or changed in complexity, humor, and sharing lend both.

Flaws where sharp words sever the very fibers are carefully ended with forgiveness.

Love is a tapestry, each one original, each one woven with time.