Spell L-O-V-E and You’ll Communicate

Published June 5, 1980. 

QUESTION: We have been married almost two years and have a young baby. The first year of our marriage was wonderful, but during the past several months things haven’t been to good. I feel neglected because my husband is gone frequently, and when he is home he watches TV or works on a project rather than talking to me.

When I tell him how I feel, he says he’ll pay more attention to me, but he forgets by the next day. I feel ignored now that the “magic” feeling is gone. Am I being selfish and unrealistic? What can we do to have a better marriage?

ANSWER: Thank you for your letter. It sounds to me that you have tried to relate some of your frustrations to him but somehow are not getting through. Talking about one’s concerns, however, is not the same as communicating them. It may be that some tips on communication may be helpful to both of you.

At a moment when neither of you are under stress, convey your anxieties to him once again. This time ask him to repeat back what you say to make certain he understands. Understanding is usually a prerequisite to behavior change. If he shows concern then suggest that his actions conform to his expressed desire to improve your relationship.

Dr. James Kilgore, marriage counselor from Atlanta, Georgia, recently stated in a publication called “The Family Touch” that many marital problems can be attributed to a lack of communication skills. He gives the following four guidelines.

Listening:  Good communication begins with listening to your spouse. But more people seem to want to be heard than there are people willing to hear. Dr. Kilgore suggests too many of us communicate with the “I” rather than the “ear” and are more interested in what we are saying than in genuinely listening to another. Rather than trying to understand the other person, we often concentrate too much on our own thoughts and feelings.

Observing:  People tend to reveal their feelings through their actions as much as through their words. So we should become more observant in such things as drooped shoulders, a wrinkled brow, a slumped or tense body – all of which communicate feelings. If what we see conflicts with what we hear, we should report the contradictions to our spouse. To carefully observe, according to Dr. Kilgore, means to look fully into your partner’s eyes, allowing yourself to sense the mood of his or her comments as well as hear the words spoken.

Verifying: To verify simply means to “check out” rather than assume. A productive part of communication is to clarify what is being communicated. Non-demanding questions such as “Is this what you mean? Or “Are you saying…? Tend to move communication along. Dr. Kilgore believes that good communication moves on these clarifying responses. Being sure means having to say “I’m sorry” less.

Enhancing: To enhance means to intensify, to magnify or elevate the original message so that the sender recognizes his or her comments have been understood. Husbands and wives who are good conversationalists are not only careful listeners but good responders as well. When one acknowledges that the other is feeling pain, for example, a special bridge exists in that moment over which both can travel more freely.

Can you remember all four words that create better communication? The first letters of each word when combined spell love – and Dr. Kilgore reminds us that is what marital communication means: listening, observing, verifying and enhancing.