Spaces in Your Togetherness

March 2, 1979. One of the unusual characteristics of marriage in the United States is what some call the All-Together-Togetherness syndrome. This phenomena is the expectation that after marriage a couple will spend all of their time together.

One of the fascinating discussions that often arises in marriage classes is on autonomy or the expectation of time for self during marriage.

Consistently, students have a wide variation of expectations. Some feel that every free moment should be spent with their spouse, while others want to marry and yet retain a great deal of time to pursue their personal interests after marriage.

Up until now, husbands have expected and usually received the greater amount of autonomy in marriage. Their occupations take them away from the marriage and home for several hours a week. Then there are conventions for many, plus a night out with the boys or numerous weekends spent hunting and fishing. Participating in sports either actively or as observers also requires a great deal of time for the American male. (One wife suggested her husband be declared legally dead if he watched three consecutive football games on television on any one Saturday or Sunday.)

With all his time for self or friends, many husbands in America are insensitive to similar desires of their wives. Often a double standard exists in that men want and expect a great deal of autonomy in their marriage but are less tolerant of a wife’s similar expectation. If he is gone, he may argue, she too, is alone at home. While this is true, she is often left to continue many of her same routines of caring for home and children, plus she assumes many of his responsibilities while he is gone.

Repeated routines can bring about the strange phenomenon known as cabin fever which can only be cured by getting away from the cabin for a few days.

Going home to mother has usually been viewed with disdain by most husbands, but a few days visiting her parents or other places of her choice may do wonders for a wife, while her husband takes over the household responsibilities and child rearing during her absence.

Carried to the extreme, autonomy can also be very destructive to a marriage. It is well known that during prolonged separations “absence makes the heart go wander,” or it is often the case that “absence makes the heart grow fonder for someone else.” What is suggested is not prolonged or frequent separations in marriage but an occasional time for both husband and wife to take a breather from their many marital and parental responsibilities.

To make the periodic separation constructive, many questions need to be confronted which may help to rejuvenate marital relationships. Such questions as, “What can I do to be a better husband or wife?” or “What are his or her most important needs right now in our marriage?” could be asked. A re-commitment to the relationship could be made upon returning.

Needs for autonomy can be met in other ways. Arrangements can be made right at home for a husband or wife to “be alone” simply by one spouse assuming many of the responsibilities or demands made on the other. Also, the need to get away can often be met by husbands and wives going away together for a few days or a weekend. Many motels and hotels in metropolitan areas are advocating these weekend retreats right within one’s own city.

It is highly unlikely that any two marriages have exactly the same degree of autonomy for husbands and wives. What is known is that there is a great difference in expectations in various marriages, and even between husbands and wives within the same marriage. And the desire for autonomy may change within the marriage.

What is important is for each marriage partner to examine his or her own need for autonomy and also assess their own tolerance level for the autonomy expected by their spouse. Hopefully, short periods of time away from each other in a marriage will make the relationship more meaningful.

Kahlil Gibran has written.

But let there be spaces in your togetherness.

And let the winds of the heavens dance between you.

Love one another, but make not a bond of love.

Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls.

Fill each other’s cup, but drink not from one cup!

Give each other of your bread but eat not from the same loaf.

Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each one of you be alone.

Even as the strings of a lute are alone, though they quiver with the same music.