Sound Marriage Is Key to Parenthood

Published July 26, 1979. It has been observed that parenthood, not marriage, is the greatest adjustment a couple will undergo during their married life. Obviously, however, the two overlap.

At the present time the Voluntary Childless Movement in the United States has encompassed only 5 percent of the population, so the vast majority of the population desires and eventually has one or more children while married.

It is becoming more and more evident to many marriage and family counselors that the most crucial relationship in a family is the husband-wife relationship. When that relationship is impaired all others, including the parent-child, are affected. But what impact does the advent of children have on a marriage?

In their book “The Mirages of Marriage,” Lederer and Jackson refer to the widely believed myth that a poor marriage will automatically be improved by having a child. Often just the opposite is true; an impaired marriage is made even more difficult by having children. This suggests that couples should give careful consideration to both marriage and parenthood before either are contemplated or experienced. Perhaps both have been over-romanticized, even though proven to be highly rewarding in most instances.

Psychologists Albert Ellis and Robert Harper have noted in their book “A Guide to Successful Marriage” that “Children tend to be greater loads of responsibility than bundles of joy.”

On this basis they suggest that reproduction is most desirable for the children, for the married couple, and for society as a whole when (a) the marriage is a distinctly good and happy one, (b) the husband and wife are more mature emotionally than the average man and woman in their social group, and (c) both mates not only want children in a sentimental sense, but are eager to make parenthood a major enterprise for the next quarter of a century.

Harper and Ellis believe that a newly married couple should view parenthood as hard work and requiring sacrifices of many other satisfactions in life. “Parenthood,” they note, “is not a task that the average person can just muddle through and hope to be successful at. It is not something to be lightly undertaken. It is, rather, a creative and an arduous responsibility.”

What if a married couple is not prepared for children other than sentimentally desiring them or wanting to give their parents grandchildren?

Doctors Harper and Ellis again observe, “Happy couples who do not prepare themselves for the hard work and real sacrifices of parenthood are often in grave danger of having their marriages undermined by the children and accompanying increase in life’s stresses.”

Will a child make an unhappy marriage better? Again, Harper & Ellis agree with Lederer and Jackson. “Couples who were relatively unhappy before having children,” Ellis and Harper note, “are likely to find that the additional responsibilities of parenthood bring added problems which may lead to the complete bankruptcy of the marriage.”

How does a married couple prepare for a fulfilling experience as parents? An essential prerequisite is apparently a happy, stable marriage. Dr. Harper and Dr. Ellis conclude:

“The parents who come closest to doing an adequate job of child-rearing are generally those who are also doing well with their individual lives and their marriages. There is no magic involved here. Parents with a history of adequacy in life in general and in the emotional intricacies of marriage are much more likely, consciously and unconsciously, to create an emotional and social atmosphere in which children can grow into adequate individuals themselves.”

Marriage can be much more fulfilling with the advent of children. But it is something which is not automatic or even spontaneous. It is something that requires persistent effort and a great deal of preparation.

It was the eminent social scientist Alfred Adler who observed, “It is easy to become a parent but difficult to be one.” Like marriage, parenthood is a relationship that the vast majority of Americans still seek, and I’m convinced they can still find it to be most meaningful.