Surviving the Early Years of Marriage

Published November 21, 1980. People from many walks of life seem to have a vested interest in marriage and family matters. Perhaps that is why there is a nation-wide concern that nearly 40 percent of those married are currently expected to divorce at the rate of nearly 1 million couples a year.

Like many of you I have often asked the simple question “why” to a situation that is both complex and varied.

Emerging as a national trend is the fact that many divorces are sought and granted within months or weeks of the marriage ceremony. And a number of marriages last only a few days.

One study recently indicated that after a single year of marriage, nearly one-fourth of couples interviewed had at least one partner who seriously doubted the marriage would succeed. And in many cases their doubts were valid. At the National Council on Family Relations recently held in Oregon, I learned that of the annual 1 million divorces, between 150,000 and 180,000 (15-18 percent) of the couples who divorce do so within 12 months of marrying.

Still another indicator that many marriages do not survive the early years is that the peak year in divorces comes during the third year of marriage. And if time is needed to decide upon a divorce, it is evident that many marriages are in trouble right from the beginning.

Over the years I have talked to numerous married couples who were either in the process of divorcing or seriously contemplating it. And many of these couples had been married less than one year. In Florida, I met a young couple who were thinking of divorce after just three weeks of marriage.

Part of the problem may be that we do not do an adequate job educating young people about marriage. This is particularly true of the first year or two of married life when many of the major adjustments are encountered. That is why I was recently pleased to read an article in the annual edition of “Marriage and Family,” 1980-81, written by Patricia O’Brien. Her article was “How to Survive the Early Years of Marriage,” and here are a few of her suggestions:

1. Even though many newly married couples are capable of being parents soon after marriage, some couples should consider waiting at least a year before starting a family – particularly if the husband or wife is under 20 years of age. It is apparently difficult enough to adjust to a marriage, but when the additional responsibilities of parenthood are added, it is just too much strain on the individuals involved. “But when you do have children,” states Patricia O’Brien, “share them from the very beginning. The sharing will strengthen the marital bond and deepen the marital relationship.”
2. Bring small tensions out into the open immediately. Don’t allow resentments to grow over the years until the problems become insoluble.
3. Allow each other space to grow. Communication is vital, but so is respect for privacy. Togetherness is vital, but so also is room for personal dreams and individual successes.
4. Work out ways of handling stress that are mutually understood. This means developing your own private language for dealing with trouble.
5. Stay interested in each other by keeping the routines of life from swallowing up your marriage. This simply means that in the midst of running a home, raising a family, and earning a living you plan and spend time together as husband and wife.

If the early years of marriage were better understood in advance, perhaps many newly married couples would not be so overwhelmed and give up. Four hundred years ago Michel de Montaigne said, “A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.” This would be particularly true during the formative years of marriage.