Take Time to Show Your Appreciation

Published November 28, 1980. Thanksgiving is the season of the year when we traditionally express gratitude for those things we appreciate in life. We typically give thanks for our families, our country, our religious ties, and the many other good things we enjoy and usually take for granted the rest of the year.

But at this time of year, as husbands and wives, do we also take the opportunity to express our gratitude to each other?

Psychologist William James once wrote a book on human needs. Some years later, after the book was published, he commented that he had forgotten to include the greatest need of all – the need for appreciation. Perhaps that is why he later wrote, “The deepest principle of human nature is the craving to appreciated.”

Since that time others have also suggested that appreciation is one of the most positive gestures one person can make to another. But if this is so, why is sincere appreciation and gratitude so infrequently expressed in some marriages and altogether missing in others? Is it because we do not appreciate each other, or is it that we do not take the time nor make the effort to express gratitude to a spouse and simply give thanks?

In their book “Relationships in Marriage and Family,” Dr. Nick Stinett and Dr. James Walters noted, “The records of marriage and family counseling clinics suggest that many marital complaints and problems stem from a lack of appreciation.  Lack of appreciation for a marriage partner can place the marriage relationship in danger of being terminated. For example, when a wife feels that her husband does not appreciate her, her ego is threatened. Her sense of worth is attacked. Lack of appreciation or ridicule can easily result in a wife feeling resentment, bitterness, and even hatred toward her husband.”

Dr. Stinnet and Dr Walters continue, “Expressing sincere appreciation communicates the message, ‘You are a person of worth and dignity. You have much to contribute to others.’ Expressing appreciation also communicates, ‘I am interested enough in you to see and acknowledge your positive qualities.’ Expressions of sincere appreciation serve to strengthen relationships, and their importance cannot be overemphasized.”

Stinnet and Walters conclude, “Each of us can develop the art of expressing genuine appreciation because nearly every person has qualities that can be sincerely appreciated. The expression of appreciation involves important psychological strokes that help people feel, ‘I’m an OK person.’”

So this Thanksgiving weekend may I make a suggestion to the husbands. Put down the newspaper, and go out to the kitchen where your wife is probably in a semi-coma from preparing the annual Thanksgiving Food Festival. Put your arm around her and tell her how much you appreciate her and tell her some specific reasons why. Remember, Doctors Stinnet and Walters noted, “Nearly every person has qualities that can be sincerely appreciated.”

You might even show your appreciation by helping her in some way. But you should have some household ammonia nearby to revive her in case she faints or goes into a state of shock.

And as you stand there with your arms around your wife expressing gratitude, your real trial will probably come. About that time the TV sports commentator will announce the kick-off of your long-awaited football game. Now, indeed, will be one of your true tests in marriage.

Kahil Gibran noted, “Love that does not renew itself every day becomes a habit and in turn a slavery.”