Taking Anger Out on Someone Else

Published December 20, 1979. One of the interesting paradoxes in marriages is that people who love each other sometimes become highly irritated or annoyed with their spouses. On occasion there may be outright anger. It would be meaningless to debate whether or not a person can become angry at someone they love; the fact is, they do.

Sometimes a spouse will unknowingly say or do something that makes his or her marriage partner upset. On occasion the action or words may be done or said on purpose. But recall for a moment the last time you became angry at your spouse or anyone else you dearly love. What was the situation or what happened to trigger your anger? What did the other person say or do at the time? But most important of all, how were you feeling about yourself before the incident occurred?

Apparently anger and irritation are frequently a derivative of one’s self concept. It has been noted in marriage that husbands or wives often become irritated and upset with their spouses when they are angry at themselves.

In this regard, Dr. Robert Harper and Dr. Albert Ellis, psychotherapists from New York, have reported in their book “A Guide to Successful Marriage” that “There is an all too human tendency for us to get irritated with others in direct proportion to our irritation with ourselves. When people are at odds with themselves, they usually also become at odds with their spouses.

If the observation of Harper and Ellis is correct, and I believe it is, we learn at least two important concepts about marriage.

First, if a spouse is angry or upset, our first impulse likely would be to assume it is directed at us and subsequently prepare to retaliate. If the hostility increases, the tendency would be for us to become defensive with our own words and behavior to thwart the supposed attack. The reality may be, however, that our irritated spouse is not living up to his or her own expectations at that particular time, and their own self-esteem is low because of some apparent failures. The hostility may have nothing to do with the marriage at that moment, but the anger is being vented on the closest person, a spouse. Frequently we become the most careless with those relationships that are the most meaningful.

Second, as the spouse who is angry at himself for whatever reasons, we might be more careful not to project the hostility onto a loved one. If we find ourselves doing so, we should retract the statements immediately or apologize for our behavior by admitting we are upset with ourselves and not at them. We thereby reduce the likelihood that our spouse will assume that he or she is the cause.

There is a phenomenon in many marriages and families known as the Farmer-in-the-Dell Syndrome. On occasion, one person may have a bad day, and his or her self-esteem approaches zero. Suppose a husband arrives home in such a condition and says something to his wife reflecting his irritation. She then assumes he is angry at her, and her ill-feelings mount. The wife then says something to the oldest child indicating her annoyance, and the oldest child then crabs at the next oldest. This irritation is passed from child to child until it reaches the youngest who, having no one else to turn to, attacks the family cat.