Love’s not Enough

Published April 9, 1981. I walked into the office the other day and found a wedding announcement in my mail box. I opened it and recognized the names as former students in my marriage class.

This wedding announcement, however, was different. Across the front the word “void” was written in big, black letters. And the following letter was attached.

Dear, Dr Barlow,

Your marriage class has struck again. As you can see by the announcement, we were engaged to be married this summer, but because of the influence of your class (we both took it) we have called off our wedding plans.

The decision is a painful one, so it is hard to thank you, but we want to do so. Your class made us sensitive to various differences that we might not have detected until after we were married.

Your most valuable statement was, “Just because you are in love does not mean that you should marry.” We also appreciated your thoughts that breaking off an engagement is not dishonorable and can, in fact, be an indication of maturity.

Just one last question. How do you explain to everyone why you bombed your classes during the semester?

Signed: (The Students)

It used to bother me when engaged couples would enroll in my marriage class and then terminate their relationship during the semester. Whether or not my class had anything to do with the decision was not always known.

Recently, however, I have become less concerned about my students breaking off their relationship. I have realized that if a breakup is necessary, it is better to have a premarital divorce than a post-marital divorce. But the process of breaking up can also be very painful as was acknowledged in this letter.

In their book "A Guide to Successful Marriage," Dr. Robert Harper and Dr. Albert Ellis made the following observations:

Love and compatibility are not necessarily the same thing; indeed, they often differ widely.

Mutual love does not mean that you are compatible living partners any more than your love for golf makes you an excellent golfer or your love of highly seasoned food makes it and your stomach highly compatible.

While you and your partner’s basic incompatibilities may be a constant source of irritation, two other mates, without loving over-abundantly or trying very hard to have a successful relationship, may be luckily sufficiently compatible to get along far more peacefully, or even ecstatically than you and your profound love.

Many of us grew up singing the romantic song

Love and Marriage, Love and Marriage,
Go Together Like a Horse and Carriage.

Many marriage counselors and educators now challenge this assumption. The plain fact is that you can intensely love someone who would not necessarily make a good marriage partner.

Simply stated, love alone is not enough on which to base a marriage. And it is a painful moment in life when this is realized.  It is even more difficult to call off a wedding when plans are well underway.