Loving Two People at One Time

Published May 8, 1980.

 QUESTION: I have been dating two fellows during the past few months, and like each one a lot. In fact, I feel I love both of them. When I am with the one I feel I love him, and then when I go with the other I believe he is the one I love.

Is it possible to love two people at the same time, or am I abnormal? Is one true love and the other infatuation?

ANSWER:  Because monogamy is the norm in the United States, many have supposed that an individual is only capable of loving one person at a time. The simple reality is that young men and women have the capability not only of being attracted to a wide number of individuals simultaneously, but are also capable of genuinely loving two or more people at the same time. In response to your first question, yes, it is possible to love more than one person at a time.

In his book “The Social Context of Marriage,” Dr. J. Richard Udry of the University of North Carolina has observed that the myths about romantic love would have us believe that loving more than one person at a time is impossible. Subsequently he notes well meaning friends and counselors may advise a person in such a quandary that they are either in love with one or the other, or are not really in love with either.

Udry concludes, “Those who experience two simultaneous loves might be perceived to be maladjusted in some way. This belief however may say more about the observer than the lover.

Further indication that simultaneous loves are possible was found in a study of 500 college women, 25 percent of whom reported having had the experience of being in love with two men at the same time. Another study found that multiple love involvement is as common for men as it is for women.

As to your second question, whether or not both are genuine love relationships, it is possible that one may be more intense than the other. This would not mean, however, that the less intense is less genuine I personally feel uncomfortable with the so-called definitions of genuine love and infatuation. Anything that attracts two individuals to each other has the potential of developing into a stable, enduring relationship. Perhaps the definition of “beginning love” would allow for a love relationship to grow without having to prematurely judge its legitimacy. Your dilemma may not be so much about which one you actually love. Assume you love them both which, according to the research, is perfectly normal and frequently happens.

Perhaps your question is, “Which of the two young men would make the better husband?” This is assuming, of course, that marriage is a possibility with either or both. Although each may have qualities you admire, one will rise above the other if you give the relationships adequate time to develop.

You didn’t indicate whether or not the two fellows know about each other. If not, they are only attracted to that dimension of you of which they are aware. If you would like to know which one is the most mature and, perhaps cares for you the most, try the following.

During the next few days, meet with each one alone and share your dilemma. Tell them about each other and that you genuinely love them both. Their reactions, both immediately and later on, will reveal something about themselves and their depth of feelings for you.

The more mature and most caring of the two will usually be more patient and understanding. The other will likely be the first to give you an ultimatum and demand you immediately choose between the two of them. The latter will also probably be the most threatened and will likely back out of the relationship. You will then no longer be faced with the decision of choosing between them. The least mature and least caring will make the decision for you.

However, if both show patience and understanding, give your heart and your head equal time in making the decision. Love and marriage should not be an emergency.