Loving, Lasting Marriages Don’t Always Have to Include Sexual Relations

Published July 12, 1990. An older woman wrote not long ago and asked an important question: “How important is sex in marriage?”

Almost everyone believes that the sexual part of marriage is important to the well-being of both husband and wife. But some experts have recently raised the question whether too much emphasis is placed on sex in contemporary marriage.

Several years ago, when I was an undergraduate in college, a professor made a statement I have never forgotten. He said that sex is only part of a marital relationship and not the relationship itself. He then asked an interesting question: “Can you have sex without love?” We all answered in the affirmative. Most of us know of individuals who had become involve sexually with others where loved played little or no part of the relationship. Prostitution was given as an example.

The professor then asked a second question: “Can you have love without sex?” That one took a little more thought. Since almost all of us in the class were single, we awaited marriage and the anticipated sexual relationship that would follow. Many of us questioned whether you could have love without sex. Most of us in the class preferred to have the two combined.

The teacher then assured us that a deep abiding love relationship was possible with little or no sexual involvement. He told of a couple who married, and several years later the wife became very ill. As the illness gradually worsened, sexual relations became impossible because of the medical treatment involved. But toward the latter part of the woman’s life, the professor said, the couple became even more loving and caring. They learned that a couple can be very intimate in a non-sexual way. And their love continued right up until her death several months later. And even after.

Someone in the class asked the professor how he knew such details of the relationship. He paused and then said he was the husband of the wife who had died.

That experience with an insightful teacher happened nearly 30 years ago. But I have never forgotten the impact of the lecture that day. Love without sex is indeed possible.

I was interested not long ago to read a newspaper column written by Ann Landers titled “Sex After Marriage.” She had received a letter from a woman in Canada in her late 50s who claimed she and her husband gave up sex in their 40s. The woman wrote: “We are extremely compatible, happily married, and don’t feel that we are missing a thing. Are we oddballs? How many other married couples live together happily without sex?”

Ann printed the column and indicated she received more than 35,000 letters. Over 65 percent of the couples over 60 who wrote, and 75 percent of the couples over 70, reported having sex infrequently or not at all. And what’s more, they don’t miss it.

Here are two of the responses typical from those received around the nation:

Pennsylvania: “Dear Ann, please tell the woman in Montreal that she has a soul sister in Pennsylvania. Sex was designed for pleasure and reproduction. My husband and I produced seven beautiful children, and the pleasure disappeared a long time ago. All I want to do is snuggle, which is just fine for him – his high blood pressure medicine knocked the tiger in his tank five years ago . . . Neither of us has been interested in sex since we were in our early 40s but were ashamed to admin it . . . Now we don’t need to pretend any more.”

Missouri: “What a relief to read in your column that my husband and I are not the only ones. Five years ago, after a two-hour attempt, my husband said, ‘I hope you won’t be hurt, but it’s not worth the trouble.’ I said. ‘Thanks for saying so. I came to that conclusion five years ago.’ I was 41 and my husband was 42, and that was the last time we tried. I am completely happy with this man, and we love each other dearly.”

What do you think? Is sex overrated in marriage? Is it possible to have a good marriage with little or no sexual involvement if both husband and wife agree? Is this a common pattern, especially for those in the latter years of life?