Profile of a Loving Husband

Published October 15, 1981. Several months ago I wrote a column asking wives to respond to the Profile of a Loving Husband. The profile was a list of 20 common expectations wives have of husbands, and readers were to review the profile and rank the 10 characteristics most important to them at that time. A wife was not evaluating what her husband did but was merely indicating what she would like him to do.

Nearly 200 wives wrote in and completed and returned the Profile of a Loving Husband. The information was tabulated and the results were interesting. Following, in order, is what many wives who read this column desire in a husband:

1. He communicates effectively by talking and listening.
2. He expresses his love both by word and action.
3. He expresses affection by touch without sexual overtones.
4. He takes an active part in rearing and disciplining our children.
5. He helps me attain my spiritual needs.
6. He is concerned about my changing intellectual, emotional, social, and physical needs.
7. He encourages rather than discourages my individual endeavors.
8. He often spends time alone with me without interruptions or distractions.
9. He gives genuine help around the house without being asked and without complaining.
10. He helps me attain sexual satisfaction in our relationship.

It was interesting to note that #3, “He expresses affection by touch without sexual overtones,” was consistently rated higher than #10, “He helps me attain sexual satisfaction in our relationship.” This suggests that many wives feel touch and affection are equally if not more important in marriage than the sexual relationship itself. In fact, many husbands may not be aware that touch and affection for most wives is sex! In no way does this mean that wives do not want or enjoy sex in marriage. It merely indicates that they desire the touch and affection that should precede it.

One reader spoke for many when she wrote, “My husband and I have a rewarding and mutual satisfying sexual relationship, so it is not like I get tired of this activity because I do enjoy it. But there are times when I would like to be close and have him hold me without going beyond that. Sometimes when I am tired, I would rather just go to sleep in his arms than go all the way.”

Her letter confirms what Dr. Ed Wheat wrote in his book “Love-Life.” He said, “A tender touch tells us that we are cared for. It can calm our fears, soothe pain, bring us comfort, or give us the blessed satisfaction of emotional security. As adults, touching continues to be a primary means of communicating with those we love, whether we are conscious of it or not. Our need for a caring touch is normal and healthy. We will never outgrow it.”

Dr. Wheat concluded, “Physical contact is absolutely essential in building the emotion of love. Anything else you do will be of little avail unless you learn to touch each other often and joyfully in non-sexual ways. If you would like to kindle a flame in your marriage, then begin to show your love through physical touching.”

Next week I will report on what we learned in our survey on the profile of a Loving Wife. The column will contain some common expectations many husbands have of wives.