What Husbands Expect of Wives

Published October 22, 1981. Last week I wrote about some of the expectations wives have of husbands. Firmly believing that turn-about is fair play, I would like to report some expectations I have found that husbands have of wives.

A few months ago I asked husbands to complete and return the Profile of a Loving Wife. By so doing he was to choose among 20 common expectations husbands have of wives, and indicate by rank order which of them were the most important to him at that time. He was also indicating what he would like his wife to do, not what she was actually doing. Many husbands, however, reported their expectations and then stated their wives were meeting most, if not all of them.

In rank order, here are the expectations of nearly 100 husbands who responded:

1. She expresses her love by both word and action.
2. She helps me attain my spiritual needs.
3. She supports me in my endeavors both at home and at work.
4. She gives our children adequate emotional and physical care.
5. She helps me attain sexual satisfaction in our relationship.
6. She communicates effectively by talking and listening.
7. She keeps our home reasonably clean and free from excessive clutter.
8. She is patient with me and does not nag or complain excessively.
9. She has high self-esteem.
10. She is aware that her appearance and physical fitness affect how I feel toward her.

I have no pretense that this survey, or any other for that matter, is an all-inclusive list of husbands’ expectations in marriage. I am satisfied, however, that the ten mentioned are common in many marriages.

But it really does not matter what the respondents, myself, or anyone says about expectations in marriage. What does matter, however, are the specific expectations a particular married couple has of each other.

In his article “Marriage As It Was Meant To Be,” Lloyd Ogilvie notes, “It is absolutely essential to clarify what two people need and expect in their marriage. Again, writing can be creative. Hidden agendas are destructive, but when husbands and wives can clarify and then talk out what they want, then neither need shadowbox with suppositions. Life’s changing demands and the evolving of our personalities necessitate renegotiation of our hopes and dreams.

He continues, “Because romance often swallows up authentic exchange of goals (before marriage), people put off sorting out their needs and desires in the hope that life together in the joy of marriage will solve the differences. It seldom does. Often it only intensifies them.

Ogilvie concludes, “Most frustrations in marriage come from unexpressed desires and uncommunicated dreams. When these are brought out in the open, a new, realizable agreement can be worked out. This needs to be done repeatedly and often. There are undeniables, without which we cannot live satisfactorily, but there are also secondary desires we should be willing to see as tradeoffs for crucial needs and wants.”

If you have additional comments on this topic, I would like to hear from you.