Keeping First Year From Being Last


Published December 17, 1981. Which is the most critical year of marriage? Most husbands and wives would say “the one we are in!” But there is increasing evidence that the first year of marriage is an important one.

It was Alexander Pope who wrote, “As the twig is bent, the tree is inclined.” And the statement is apparently true for the first year of marriage and that which follows.

Pertaining to dating or courtship, William George Jordon wrote “In the days of courtship, two may feel that they thoroughly understand each other, and that no matter how many marriages fail, their happiness together is absolutely assured. Yet courtship is only the kindergarten class of matrimony.”

He continues, “Courtship is the preliminary canter, not the real race. It is the matrimonial shopping; marriage is the acceptance of the unreturnable delivered goods. Courtship is the joyous, sunshine launching of the craft. For instance, who will play the dominant and who will play the submissive role? Or will a balance of power be established? How will the money be managed? What frequency or pattern of lovemaking will be established? How will quarrels be resolved? Whatever patterns are established at the beginning of the marriage will likely continue for many years, and the way these patterns develop can greatly influence the future of the marriage.”

If there is an appropriate time that professional, religious, civic, and other interested parties can extend help to married couples, the first year of marriage appears to be that time. I was impressed to learn that the Lutheran Church in Kansas City, Missouri has recently started a successful education program for newlyweds. Perhaps one is needed in our area, sort of a “Marital Head Start” program.

Most married couples can remember their first year of marriage. A few would prefer not to. But there seems to be a developmental process we all encounter. And contemporary newlyweds ought not become unduly discouraged during the first few months of their marriage. Just remember: Crisis + Time = Humor.

If anyone else has comments on this topic, I’d like to hear from you.

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